FinalDay
And so it was, folks from everywhere you can imagine coming for this one event.
CBS had outbid FOX for the right to televise the event live but despite the fact that it was the biggest event ever to take place, there would be a viewing audience of at most ten. One of those ten was me. One was Jose, and the other eight where party men and women who did not even bother to watch TV.
At 11.00pm the show started with Harry Connick Jr. Jr. singing "It had to be me." Then came the brief speeches about how everyone so loved the Lord. At 11.50pm, amidst great applause, Dick Clarke introduced the Reverend Imp who proceeded to give a fiery speech about those critics who claimed that Christianity had been commercialized.
He was making obvious references to me but luckily for him I was not there to poke him in the eyes. At five minutes to the hour they all bowed their heads in severe yet solemn prayer as the last few to repent did so with equal fervor.
At this same time I was dancing and shouting: "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! THIS IS A TEST. THIS IS JUST A TEST! THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. HAD THERE BEEN AN EMERGENCY, A BRIEF MESSAGE WOULD HAVE OCCURRED AFTER THE BEEEP] who said that she felt it was "groovy."
She also thought it was lugubrious" that the government hadn't found a way to expend the deficit. I found that funny, though I can't say I shared her sentiments.
At 12.00pm there was a great silence such as was never felt in the world before. Apart from us ten delinquent gentiles, all eyes where transfixed above at the sky in joyful expectation of the arrival of Jesus who was also known as the Christ. The clock struck one. Silence.
Two.
Silence.
Three.
Silence.
Four.
Silence.
By the time the clock had struck ten, approximately 17 million people had died of heart attacks.
Eleven.
Silence.
Twelve.
Silence.
Twelve!
Silence!
Twelve dammit!!
Nothing!!!!!
Nobody said anything for a while and then there was an uproar as had never been seen since the tower of Babel--All the people of the world, minus ten, all speaking and arguing in different languages. It took an hour for Reverend Imp to calm the multitude down and explain to them that according to the Hebrew Calendar, it was not New Year until 7am in the morning, and that Jesus was probably going according to the Hebrew Calendar.
This calmed the people down, but now there were rumblings that people where starving with no food to eat before seven in the morning. Reverend Imp called one of his disciples--a multinational corporation named The Rock--and asked him to find out among the crowd who had anything to eat.
They where able to find a young black man with five loaves and two fish, and they paid him 30 pieces of silver for his food. They then took the food up to Reverend Imp who proceeded to selflessly devour it. With a great burp he turned on his side and went to sleep for the next seven hours.
Hungrily and grudgingly, the whole multitude went to sleep as well.
Now it was five in the morning and I was screaming and ranting in ecstasy as I was under the impression that the rapture had occurred.
As I danced and listened to the loud music I heard something somewhere that I absolutely loved--JAZZ! Some one was playing some severely wicked jazz on a trumpet outside. I instantly applied force and smashed my stereo and then ran outside thinking that Wynton Marsalis had been left
behind. Boy was I happy. I was shocked when I got out there and some fellow with some really messed up clothes (straight off the set of Jesus Christ Superstar) jammin' on his trumpet. I had to be impressed.
"Yo, wuddup G" I said in African-American.
"Oh no'in much, just playing the trumpet call to herald the coming of Jesus."
A mad man. "You know I have a piano in here. Want to jam?" He came into my house and before long we were playing a tune he taught me, "Heaven on my mind." Now his trumpet was sounding so smooth it amazed me. Somehow it seemed that anyone who was on sea-level should be able to hear it. It must have been this eerie effect that made my piano also sound like every one should be able to hear. We jammed for almost an hour and then I made small talk with him while preparing coffee for us both.
"What's your name men?" "Gabriel, but some call me Able Gable. Arf, arf, arf, arf..." He sure had a hilarious way of laughing, the way his shoulders convulsed and his back drooped. I was going to enjoy hanging out with this fellow. "How long have you been playin' that horn, man?"
"Oh not long at all. Let me see, it was sometime before the French Revolution so it must have been less than two hundred years ago."
Son of a bitch. I laughed. "So what brings you to this part of town. I've never seen you around here and you certainly have been playing in no clubs cos we'd have heard the word."
"Well I do play in a club, David's Jazz spot owned by David Ben-Jesse. He's
a cool cat too. Arf, arf, arf, arf. David can play some keys, you and him would have a ball if you got together cos he has some really weird jazz chords. And then you GOT to meet Jesus. Now that kid can play some drums, son. You haven't heard the word? Well he'll be here any second now. That's why I'm here, to herald his coming."
Before I could say "Huh?" there was the sound of a thousand Harley Davidsons outside my house. I was shocked. Don't tell me a bunch of "dudes and dudettes" had got lost on the way to the mountain and missed the rapture! Argh! I'd be pissed! Gabe jumped up excitedly shouting "He's here! He's here!"
Who?
I opened up the front door to see at least ten thousand upon ten thousand Harley Davidson-riding men with such big exhaust pipes flaming fire that one would think this was from a Star-Trek movie. They sang as unto a choir "Although we've come, to the end of the road.."
"What the hell do you think you're doing on my lawn? Who do you think you
are?" I had never been one to be scared to confront others and this certainly was no exception. The biggest of them all, a tall muscular Caucasian with JC written on the side of his motorbike got off from his bike and smiled at me. "Cool it man. Gabe, you called?"
Cool it man? Where was he from?
"Yeah" Gabe responded to him. "The big cheese wanted me to summon you to earth to take all your people home."
"Why wasn't I told about this, Gabe?" the JC said.
"Well, he said something about not even you knowing the day or time of your arrival."
"And you're sure no one knows?"
"Er, I don't think so."
"So where's everyone?" the man said looking around the streets.
"They're all gone to the mountain" I said, "And who the hell are you?"
"And who do you sayesth that I am?" He said.
"Huh?" I replied.
"Andst who does thoust thinkest that I am" he said.
"?" I gave Gabe the blank stare.
"Ishit misfit raman pakulazooko" Gabe said to me in some unknown language.
"Jesus Christ?" I said.
The fellow smiled and said: "Yup! That's me. Jesus the Christ. The ol'
Messiah. The kingster of all kingsters.... making copies.."
He did the imitation of that short ugly Saturday Night Live fellow so well that I was amazed.
"Well come on in, but I don't know if there's space for the rest of your"
"Heaven's Angels" he helped me out. We've been cruising the galaxy for a while now. It's been fun. Don't worry bout them, they can stay here for a thousand years. As you know, a thousand years is as unto a second."
Aha.
He came into the house with Gabe and I proceeded to get more coffee.
"So why are the people at the mountain?" He shouted from the living room.
"Waiting for you" I replied walking back in. He turned to Gabe who turned red and took an immediate interest in the ceiling.
"So why the mountain anyhow?"
"Well, Reverend Imp had told them that"
"Reverend Imp? Wasn’t he also around when I did my Sermon on the Mount?"
I had no way of knowing if he was joking so I just kept quiet.
"For lo it is written that on that last day, two shall be in the farm. One shall be taken away, and the other shall be left. Two shall be sleeping on the same bed. One shall be taken away, and one shall be left. I never said anything about no mountain! Trust that fool Imp to take it upon himself to interpret what I said as the world standard just as King James did."
"So you mean you're not going to the mountain?" I said.
"Heaven no!" he said with much disdain and contempt. "Let's see how they feel when they discover that their prophesy interpretation is off the mark. Why can't they just take things as they are? Why do they have to go into these deep and meaningful nonsense talk? Just like the beast? I clearly stated that the beast's number was 666. And then I put in som'n like if any one be smart, let him interpret--you know, just to have some fun. The next thing I knew, everyone was using all different schemes to discover who the beast was. Some said he was born in June 6th 1996. Stupid fools!"
"Er... so who is the beast?" I asked.
"Oh, he's just some fellow with 666 as his number. He's evil though. Stay
away from him."
I was a bit confused. 666 as his number?
"Is the beast necessarily a man?"
"Well, when I said that stuff, there weren't no such thing as transsexuals or
he-men so you better believe it's a man."
This fellow was odd.
"So what took you so long? I thought you'd get here when the world had turned to Sodom and Gomorrah"
"I don't think it's as bad as Sodom and Gomorrah yet" he said.
I looked at Gabe. "Tell him."
"Huh?" Jesus said.
Gabe shifted uneasily and related a series of stories, of which none will be discussed in this epistle. Jesus was very pensive.
"Hmmm. I did not know this." Jesus said.
Jesus said: "So are you the only black man left in the world?"
"No. The rest of them went to the mountain"
"Why?"
"To wait for you."
"Why?"
"Er, because you're their savior?"
"Gaga, gaga, gaga, the gagster.." Jesus laughed. "You look like a bright fellow so tell me something."
"Shoot"
Gabriel brought out a heavenly riffle and blasted me with a shot of glory. Damn I was stunned!
"Arf, arf, arf, arf!"
"Gabe! That's wrong. <guffaw>!"
Jesus had the most pleasant laugh I'd ever heard. Just one <guffaw> (and that is exactly as it came out... exactly as it is written) and you'd instantly feel like laughing with him.
"You ok child? <guffaw>!"
"Yeah, I'm fine. You were saying."
"Aha" he said, wiping the tears from his eyes "What color was Mohammed?"
"Well, as far as I know he looked like the Arabs"
"What color was Bhudda?"
"He looked like the Asians"
"What color were Krishna and Vishnu" Krishna looked like the people who worshiped him but Vishnu is blue.
"Blue? <guffaw>! Ok forget Vishnu, do you see a pattern here?"
"Well, I do see that everyone has a deity whom they can relate too."
"Exactly! Now, does it make sense to you, and just listen to me for one second. Does it make sense to be caught up in a religion that tells you other people are the chosen ones? That you cannot relate to the deity?"
"Well" I said "People always have different ways of interpreting stuff"
"Like how?"
"Well, at one point there was the theory that you were black, and that the black Jews where the true Jews. Now can I ask you a personal question?"
"Shoot"
Gabe brought out the gun again and blasted Jesus with a shot of glory.
"Arf, arf, arf, arf!"
"<guffaw>!"
I couldn't help but feel at ease with these two holy of men having fun here in my living room.
"Anyway," I continued "You have the tattoo of a black man on your shoulder.
Who is that?"
"That's God"
"I beg your pardon?"
"That's God himself"
"He’s black?"
"He’s From Ogbomosho"
"Are you telling me God is from Africa?"
"Nope, Africa is from God."
"Hmm. Tell me about creation. Who was right? Darwin or the Bible"
"Well, this is how it went."
.....[There was a cloud of smoke and before I knew it I was right there in the beginning. I narrate to you the events I saw in this vision].
A middle age black man is sitting down watching the tape of the fight between the good guys and the bad guys.
"O ti ba je fun Lucifer yen" he said in Yoruba ("Things are now going to be hell for that traitor Lucifer").
"Bobo yen ro pe o ma ga mi sha. Ahn! O ri e ti daru. ("The silly fool thought he could deceive me. His head is inaccurate").
The black man, whom I now realize as God, gets up and paces round the room. He then goes to his closet and puts on some sparkling bright royal regalia and then sits on the throne. In order that you might understand the next series of events I'll continue his speech in English.
Once on the throne he thinks aloud (and believe me when I say that he thinks aloud! His mouth does not move).
"Let me call all my children and tell them what I have planned"
"Yemoja! Mohammed! Bhudda! Orunmilla! Sango! Obatala! Papa Legba! Jesus! Krishna!.... come over here... now!"
All his children come over and sit in a circle around him.
"I am proud of you for putting up a good fight against evil. However, I have one more problem. I cannot think of a punishment so severe to deal to this evil one. What do you suggest?"
Bhudda says: "Why don't you create a lake of fire and call it hell, as you always use the term anyway. Then send them there forever!"
Applause. <Cheer> "Hear Hear!"
Bhudda looks around sheepishly and grins.
God: "Good suggestion. But is that enough?"
Sango: "If I may interrupt the gentleman from Heaven. Allow me to first say what an honor it is to be talking before you, Olodumare (God).
(At this point, I realize that it was from Sango that idea of congress and senate later came about).
I feel justice will be but served, if we allow Lucifer to wait for a long period before being sentenced. Let him hang around for a while thinking about his faith with his evil followers."
Applause. <Cheer> "Hear Hear!"
Sango bows sheepishly.
God: "Thank you my child. But how do you propose we do this. Jesus, you have said nothing since the battle. What's on your mind?"
Jesus: "Verily, verily I sayeth unto thee."
All: "Huh?"
Jesus: "Exactly. That's the way they speak!"
God: "Who?"
Others: "They?"
Jesus: "These people I am thinking about. See it's like this. Create some sort of domicile for Lucifer and his people to dwell till they're sentenced to hell. Then create some people who are able to bruise his belly with their heels. <guffaw>!"
Much applause. <Cheer> "Hear Hear!"
Jesus ascends and then comes back and grins.
God smiles: "I like that idea."
He then looks around at all his children, different shapes, sizes, colors, and races.
He says: "Let us create man in our image and likeness. Each of you, create man in your image and bring him before me for submission. The die is cast. After you have created your prototypes of man, we will put him in the domicile. Jesus do you have a plan of the domicile yet?"
Jesus: "No"
Obatala: "I created one quickly while you spoke, but it is without form and void and is full of water."
God: "Why water?"
Obatala: "Er well I had thought it up while taking a shower and I didn't want to forget the idea so..."
Then God broods upon the face of the waters. God looks at what Obatala has created and says to the assembly: "What is missing?"
Krishna: "Light!"
God smiles and says "Let there be light" ...and there was light.
And God says "Cool!" ...and he saw that it was good.
God looks again at the domicile and said "not bad for one day's work eh?" Everyone laughs and nods.
God says: "Tomorrow, as you work on your images and likeness, we'll continue perking up the domicile. What shall we call it I wonder? We'll think of something."
This goes on for six days with something new being added to the domicile each day. On the seventh day God rests. Jesus comes up to him and asks him to look at the new "world" that was now ready for man. God smiles at Jesus’ ability to coin new terms that actually mean something and they both go and look at the world, and like it. Later on that day, all God's children bring their prototypes to God and he approves of them and tells them how the plan is to work. Lucifer would be sentenced to "earth" a term, once again coined by Jesus, and then all the men that had been made by God's children would be incorporated into one man and put on earth. Over the course of time, the offspring of the man would spread out over the earth to their eventual destinations as each begins to resemble his maker. Finally, when all men are spread out, they shall then assemble the devil and send him to hell, bruising his belly al the time. The initial man's name shall be called "Okurin" and he shall be placed near the center of the world. God goes down into the world and immediately falls in love with the Heaven-like atmosphere of Africa. He find some beautiful springs near the place called Tanzania, and finds some lovely gardens near the place called Kenya, and he said: "You know, I think I'll put Okurin here and let all his offspring who are as dark as he is live on this vast land. I'll give them some of the languages that I speak and a couple that Obatala speaks since he re-made most of Africa." So God put the language of Luo and Swahili in Okurin (Adam) and set him down to live in that beautiful area--Africa. It is not before long that Lucifer comes strolling in (he looks like a snake with feet) and strikes up conversation with Okurin. In a matter of minutes, Lucifer is able to convince Okurin that he needs something called a female..."something weak and fragile that will allow you to express your manhood" Lucifer tells Okurin. "The way God created this earth, see, something needs to be on top and something under. This way, we can make sure that it becomes your worlda man’s world." Okurin is taken by the idea. No sense in being the slave, right?
Okurin calls God and tells him of his need for a companion, just as the evil one has coached him, and God creates a woman called "Obirin" from Okurin's ribs. Poor Okurin and his masculinity. As soon as Obirin is created, the term "household chores for men" is invented.
Okurin is forced by the female to tend the whole garden in Africa and wash and do all the dirty work while she lazes in the sun upon the advice of the serpent Lucifer. Lucifer has convinced Obirin that the man is worthless and only good for two things, cleaning and pleasure. Okurin just can't’understand it. Wasn’t he supposed to be lord and she the slave? Isn’t that the way it seemed before they started living together? After a while, Okurin runs to Lucifer for advice.
"Here see this apple?" Lucifer says.
"Yup"
"It’s laced with acid, man. It'll help you ease your pain. Take a bite.. C'mon! Be a man!"
And so Okurin takes a bite of the apple. Nothing happens for a few seconds, then the phrase multiple-personality-disorder is invented. All the other creations within Okurin start jumping out and running helter skelter and by the evening time, Okurin is left alone with just his person while all the other images and likenesses have run all over the world. God hears the commotion and calls Okurin but Okurin hides because he feels naked without all the others within him. God finds him and asks why he feels naked...
Okurin says "It was the the woman that you gave to me..." and the rest is history.
God has to modify plans by stating that when the world reached the height of evil, all bad Okurins would be sent to hell with Lucifer, while all good Okurins would be sent back to heaven. Man, in general, was not supposed to go with Lucifer to hell. He was supposed to bruise the serpent’s belly! But now things had changed.
(A large cloud of smoke and I'm back in the present with Jesus and Gabe)
PUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"That was deep men" I said.
"Tell me about it" Gabe said.
"So every race has a deity they can identify with. What happens to those who chose another?"
Jesus shrugged, "it doesn’t really matter, as long as their hearts are in the right place. I’d just prefer people to stick to the original plan."
I said: "Well people have always argued that Christianity originated in North Africa."
"Well original Christianity had it's roots in the Mediterranean area... that is Egypt, Arabia, Carthage (north Africa) and even as far as Ethiopia. The issue now is not really where Christianity originated but instead, what it evolved to. This nonsense I hear nowadays could CERTAINLY not have been going on in my times. As a matter of fact, a lot of these televangelists today are the ones I'd chase out of the temple and mount an attack upon for defiling the work of my father!" Jesus was obviously heated up, but he continued:
"The reason God sent me and his other children to the earth was to give an option to human beings in order not to let them follow Lucifer to hell. The mandate is clear! Christianity means to be Christ-like! Period! I don't want to hear about Christians being arrested for fighting in front of abortion clinics when the same silly fools are scared to open their mouth about racism, police brutality, capitalist manipulations, and starvation of people despite the fact that food is thrown away yearly. And why do these people not speak? Simple. The leaders they look up to as Christian leaders can see the big picture and know exactly what's going on. They brainwash their silly congregations into believing everything they say. Some leaders tell their congregations to endorse some political candidates, some tell their congregations to buy from certain companies. These fools should be preoccupied with getting their backsides to Heaven and helping others get there!" At this juncture I could clearly imagine how Jesus could have tossed people away from the Temple. He continued with the sermon on the couch. "For people who truly want to be Christians, they HAVE to look up to me and no one else? The same spirit that showed St. Paul how to read my word, and how to grow will show them. They don't have to look up to some holier-than-thou preacher who could get caught sleeping with whore! A damn whore! What was the name of that fellow again in the 80's?"
"Jimmy Sw..."
"Yeah him! He was caught once, his gullible congregation accepted him back. Then he was caught how many times again? When will people learn that you can NOT afford to look up to humans as spiritual models! Many of these idiots give their money away to preachers who look too slick, drive luxury cars, and live in houses three times the size of their church! And then what do their leaders tell them?
You will be blessed ten-fold! Well I once told the parable of the seed, but obviously people are quick to manipulate it. This is the bottom-line--if you sow your seed on infertile ground, you will gain nothing! Zip! Nada! Zilch! And so if a pastor is driving around in a luxury car, while trying to be like me, then your money is going nowhere. No ten-fold kid, sorry! I'm not saying it's wrong to drive Rolls Royce’s, but we are all supposedly given brains with which to think.
Is it absolutely necessary to have such a high-priced car? I don't think so! Heaven! I used to stroll to a lot of places even though several offered me their donkeys. The reason I did this was not to suffer, but in consideration of my audiences. If a majority of my congregation could not afford donkeys why on God's green earth should I parade myself extravagantly? Obviously, I could afford to buy prized donkeys. I’m Jesus, man! Jesus, son of God! You dig? But I decided that my focus would be getting people to Heaven, and not on donkeys either!"
I tried to bait him: "Well, you criticize them for driving fancy cars, but what about when Mary Magdalene washed your feet with expensive oil?" Jesus looked at me very sincerely and said, his voice rising: "Washing my feet with oil was an act of humility on the part of Mary, and not an act of extravagance like the swine of today!"
I was quick to change the topic. "So what about issues of racism, classism, capitalism and war?"
"Mehi nehi, rama suza pakooloo" he said. I was shocked. Till this point I never realized that there was such a thing as a heavenly curse wherein you could curse in a good way, giving the same effect as a phrase such as "son of a bitch!"
"Jesus!" Gabe said
Jesus then stood up, pacing up and down the living room, visibly upset.
"Er, what can we do to be saved?" I asked.
"Nicodemus?" he looked closely at me, "When will you people learn? Listen, your religion and culture are synonymous. They are birthed of the same environment, products of the same nourishment."
I once more veered the topic. "So what was the deal with the tower of Babel thing"
Jesus looked up, preoccupied and said "huh?"
"Tower of Babel, you know"
"Oh that. <guffaw>!"
I was pleased that he was now smiling. "Yeah, Babel was a trip. It was all about capitalism. It's funny how events become myths. Just like David the Shepherd. Sure he killed a lion--it was asleep that's why. And fighting Goliath, all he had to do was tell Goliath that his shoe laces were undone (and truly, for as long as eternity, there has been none stupider than Goliath). <guffaw>! Anyway, Babel. The people wanted to build a skyscraper, you know like Sears Towers. Anyway, they wanted cheap labor so they hired as many low-wage immigrants as they could and put them so that no two who spoke the same language worked together. This way, the workers could not hear about the workers' union. It so happened that the union found out about this and raised havoc. Before you knew it, the tower was brought down and all the immigrants ran back to their land. The end."
I had to laugh: "Wow! That's it?"
"Yup. <guffaw>!"
"Yup. Arf arf arf arf arf!"
"Well it has been deeply insightful talking with you."
"Are you going to the mountain now Jesus?"
"Nahhh... I've reconsidered things and I think I should allow them to self-destruct. They can't be allowed to defile Heaven. Say, how about you? Wanna come to Heaven?"
I looked slightly apprehensive.
They both laughed, Jesus spoke "there’s some brothers riding with us. You’re safe."
I laughed.
That settled, Jesus, Gabe and I walked out and as Jose the homeless fellow watched, rode off into the dawn like a choir of angels. In the distance Jose could still hear Gabe playing some riffs on his trumpet. It was a sight to behold. Years later, when people asked Jose how he got his healing abilities, he would say: "I ha seen da lawd, and he sure was jammin'"
After a few hours, the people at the mountain had realized that Jesus was not coming for them after all and so dejectedly they packed their things and went back into the world. Little did they know that they had messed up their chance and would now have to live by a new standard. That was the final day, and the beginning of the first.
I always thought it funny how people tried to predict the coming of the lord in terms of when, where and how.
I guess in retrospect, only those of us now who were there can actually read the Bible and know what many of the prophets meant when they talked about "lo I see a fire in the sky that flameth bright" or whatever they were supposed to have said about different things. But Jesus pulled a fast one on everybody--yes indeed. I laugh just thinking about it.
Helena had told me not to go partying because Jesus was coming at 12 midnight. I couldn't be bothered, being the wayward gentile I am, so of course I went on to party. Funny enough, only a few of us where out that night because even those who didn't believe in Christ where not taking any chances and had repented by 11.30pm pending Jesus’ arrival with a host of angels from heaven and a trumpet call.
I can't remember what happened most of that night because I got drunk and fell asleep. I can remember waking up and upon seeing the variety of womenfolk still left on the earth in my immediate vicinity, thinking of how much better the seven years of tribulation where going to be because of my companions. I was in such high spirits that I ran home just so that I could blast the stereo to the loudest and thrash the house--MY house.
The streets where empty because everyone had gone to the mountain. Reverend Imp had predicted that the first people to be taken up in the glorious rapture of Christ would be those who were closest to Heaven, and this meant seven billion people climbing and stationing themselves as high as possible on the mountain Wukasoomahita (woo-kah-sooh-mah-hee-tah).
Wukasoomahita is a mountain on native Indian land which translates to "They who wait shall wait not waiting." The impact of the name was not immediately apparent to me, as I'm sure it is not to you. And to tell the truth I have never quite grasped the concept of the name, as I'm sure you never will. Anyway, the first and only person I met on the way home was the homeless man, Jose Lamatigno (Ho-say Lag-mar-teen-io).
Jose was walking around and I asked if he didn't want to go to Heaven with the rest of the people, whereupon he replied: "Heaven? I heard the Reverend say that there's no more begging heaven. How am I then supposed to get my twenty five cents for a cup of coffee?" I then gave unto him the sum of five and twenty cents after which he went along to buy his coffee. I guess he did not even have to pay because the coffee shop was left all abandoned as even coffee sellers--those capitalist pigs--wanted to get to Heaven.
And it came to pass, that I entered unto my household with much rejoicing in my heart. Things looked better as I thought about it. It seemed like perhaps only Jose, I and a few of my party friends would be around in the world to suffer the great tribulation. And then there was supposed to be this great whore from Babylon showing up?
My, what a time this was going to be. Upon entering my house I immediately rushed to the stereo set and turned it up full notch. I normally have a passionate dislike for metal music and this was the ONLY (own-lee) time I've ever had any use for it. I was rocking, banging, shouting, laughing, and generally tearing the house down--MY house! What went down at the mountain, you wonder?
Reverend Imp and his herd of followers had arrived at the mountain earlier and before long had set up shop. The whole mountain from top to bottom was a hellhouse of activity with everyone who was everyone arriving in style. There was a whole host of personalities from all over the world coming in to meet Jesus.
King Charles and the royal family arrived via helicopter whereupon one of Charles' mistresses unfortunately was relieved of her head by the helicopter blades. The moment was immediately brightened with Sinbad cracking one of his what-happens-when-a-mistress-loses-her- head-jokes.
The African contingent arrived late because they had problems securing visas for all the members. Apparently, the government had a policy which allowed only a certain amount of Africans to enter the country. They eventually had all 1 billion enter because the visa policy had just been modified by the last-day clause; a clause which allows unlimited entry 24 hours before the final day.
