A day in the of Frank

Frank was awakened in the middle of the night by a noise. Dorothy had traveled so no one else was in the house. His breathing became heavy and he felt that whoever the intruder was could hear his heart beating. He heard the noise again.

The person was creeping in his room. He was scared. He had never done nothing to hurt no one. He was just an average Joe--or at least an average Frank. He had a nice job, a nice house (even though he was one mortgage payment behind), no kids, a nice car (two payments behind on that one) and a nice wife. Actually she was a bitch, but he didn't find out till he married her.

He would have an affair, if only women found him attractive. Somehow the image of a balding middle-aged guy with hairy arms and a beer stomach did not inspire the female juices to flow. Well now Frank felt his life was in danger and did not have time for any such mundane thoughts. He lay as still as possible, which I think is a mistake. If there's an intruder in your house, I say move around in bed like you're having a nightmare until you can position yourself appropriately. If you lie still he'd (or she'd) suspect you're awake. But then not everyone is as smart as I am. The noise did not stop, however.

The intruder was searching for something in his room. Frank slowly reached for his gun in the drawer--it was his only chance. He had never had an opportunity to use it, and frankly Frank did not care much for it. He only bought it in the hope that one day he might accidentally kill his wife (and some of her loud-ass friends) while cleaning it. He'd seen it happen on Oprah. Frank slowly opened the drawer and made a slight noise.

He froze with his hand on the drawer as though if the intruder could see him the intruder would imagine he was opening the drawer in his sleep again. The intruder stopped making any sound for a few seconds and then proceeded.

Frank pulled the gun out slowly and in a fast sequence switched the light on, pointed the gun in the intruder's direction and shouted "Freeze!" Now I think this was stupid, and you'll back me up on this one. An intruder is in your room, and you have a gun? You shoot "bang bang!" and THEN shout freeze, if he hasn't already. I'd as sure as hell kept shooting till I was sure my life was not in danger.

Frank's eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the light, but the intruder just stood still for she didn't know this. Frank could not believe what he saw. It was a plump woman wearing very tight stockings, underwear, a bra, and wings. She had a slight beard and was missing almost all her teeth.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the tooth fairy. Don't shoot."

Frank looked the lady up and down once.

"You're ugly!"

"That's a nice thing to say."

"I must be dreaming. What's in your bag?"

"Coins. I've been doing my rounds. Y'know. Taking teeth for money. I still have quite a bit left to do."

"Yeah right." She must be some kind of weirdo.

"It's true look."

"Slowly now slowly.."

"Ok" she pulled out some teeth from a pouch.

"What are you doing in MY house?"

"Er... this is 444 Bonneville isn't it?"

"Yes it is."

"Well, there's supposed to be the son of the governor living here. His name is Paul Battaglia and he has three teeth missing. It's the holiday special so he's getting three quarters for each tooth."

"Battaglia? That's the governor of Massachusetts!"

"Er... where are we?"

"This is Amherst, New York!"

"Oops. I guess I was supposed to be in Amherst, Massachusetts."

Frank lowered his gun. "Well, you'd better be going."

She opened the back window. "I'm sorry for the mix-up."

"One second" Frank said. Something was going through his mind. "How much is in that bag?"

"Oh... a million dollars in quarters."

"Wh wh... what?"

"A million and change."

Frank raised the gun again and pointed it at her. "Drop the bag."

"What are you doing? I'm the tooth fairy. Please put the gun down."

I don't know what it is about greed that makes a person dumb, but for some reason Frank seemed to think the tooth fairy said something to the effect of "please shoot me."

Blam!

Hopefully no one heard the shot at this time of the night. The tooth fairy dropped out of the window into Frank's back yard. He quickly tried to pick up the bag, but it weighed a ton. Well, we can't be sure that it weighed a ton exactly, but I bet you a million dollars in quarters weighs a whole lot more than a baby whale. Frank opened up the bag and sure enough there were so many quarters in it Frank almost became mad. Now Frank wasn't poor, and neither was he rich--at least before killing the fairy. Greed is a powerful thing. Oh yes indeed.

Frank ran downstairs, and then ran back up. Going outside naked was not one of the bright things that could be done when you'd just murdered someone. If caught they might even think he raped her too. Now that would be some tale to tell the kids. Frank put on some clothes, then ran downstairs and outside. He didn't know what he was going to do with the body. He took out his shovel and dug for about thirty minutes.

When the hole was deep enough he tossed the fairy's body in and then covered up the hole. He knew that when his bitch-wife came back she'd be suspicious so he dug up as much of the back yard as he could and covered it back up. He'd tell her he was putting new soil or something. She would believe anything--she watched Geraldo. Frank went back to sleep, a very troubled but a very rich man. "Yes Jennifer is Frank not in yet? Hmm. Connect me to his house let me talk to him. Ok. " Frank had not come in to work yet and he had not even called to explain why. This kind of insubordination could not be tolerated by the company anymore. If employees were to... "Hello Frank? What the hell is going on? What? What? What? Whaaaaat?" Frank had just told him to do things to himself, sexual in nature. He could not comprehend that stubby Frank was talking to him this way. He hung up! The bastard hung up!

Frank smiled at himself, and so he should. Frank had just given his boss something to think about and it was satisfying. He decided to get on with the day's events--counting the money.

By late evening Frank had counted almost a million dollars, and he had put the quarters in groups of four-hundred using those small peppermint-like bags from the bank. He was almost delirious with joy. The phone rang. Who could it be?

"Hello?"

"Hello Frank, this is Dorothy."

"Yes?" P>"Is something wrong Frank?"

"No. I just think you're an annoying bitch who needs to shave her legs and lose eight hundred pounds and quit socializing with those idiotic bingo girls, that's all."

Phew did he feel good.

"My word... Frank?"

"Listen sweetheart, I'm seeing someone else and she's here right now so you can't come back here. Go see a lawyer, do something, just get out of my life."

He hung up. He never felt grander. Money made you say things which you couldn't even pronounce before.

That night he buried the money behind his garage. He wasn't taking any chances. He kept about five thousand dollars in his room. Before he slept he began to fantasize about what he would do with the money. First he'd move out of town. Go to Reno or 'Frisco or somewhere glitsy. He'd have different women every night... champagne, music, food, parties, la dolce vita--the good life. He'd... he'd... he fell asleep.

Frank was awakened in the middle of the night by a noise. Dorothy had traveled so no one else was in the house. This time he had his gun by his side. Must be another fairy. He put on the light, and was about to shout "freeze" when the intruder, a thief, fired three shots and killed him. The stupid bastard. Hadn't he learned? Wasn't he listening?

Like I said, someone comes to your room, it's "bang! bang! " and then "freeze." Well the intruder quickly took the bag containing the five thousand dollars worth of quarters and made his escape. The next morning Dorothy discovered Frank's body in a pool of blood. "I can't imagine what was going through his head" she told police. "He was acting crazy."

The end