The Day I Married Mammy Water

"Do you, OghenevboGaga, take this fish to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to feed. To oil and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part?"

It had been only four weeks since I had met her, and what an eventful four weeks it had been. My parents were very supportive of my choice to marry a mammy-water (or as Americans like to say, "mermaid"). Of course no one could understand why. You see, I'm of the Urhobo ethnic conglomerate. I had previously been engaged to an Itsekiri lady named Allero. Now Allero was every man's dream come true. She was smart, witty, strikingly beautiful with chocolate dark-brown skin, and had her head screwed on right.

I had met Allero once when I went to Goldman, Okogun and Sach's to see a financial analyst for the purpose of investing some money which had been willed to me. The disappointment that was thrust upon me on learning that that there wasn't much I could invest in with eight dollars and fourteen cents was quickly turned into love when I bumped into Allero on the way out. As we collided, her brief-case fell down. As I contemplated snatching her fallen purse and making for the door before she could realize what was going on, I caught a glimpse of her embarrassed smile. It was like heaven. Well I don't know that it was like heaven. I've never actually been there.

"I'm terribly sorry about this" Allero gushed with a Harvard accent. I don't know why it is that some people go to Ivy-league schools and think they have the right to speak with that accent. Do they think they are better than us? Ehn? Do they think that because we go through the public educational system that they have more of a right to speak like that? Yet I'm not bitter. That's what I told the judge during my sentencing, but that's another story. Besides that was years ago before I reformed. Anyway, I replied: "Oh it's quite alright my dear." She looked at me with consternation: "Did you say 'my dear?' How dare you? You chauvinist pig!"

Shuo! Nna di quo po uku okpolo kpolo nnanga aku ku odiqua shovnis pigi? Nna odiqua kpo animal na di kpo shovnis pigi?

"I didn't mean to offend you" I responded as I tried to help her pick up her stuff. She wouldn't even let me do that.

"I can pick it up myself, thank you" she barked and attempted to do the honors herself. I wouldn't let her.

"No I must help you!" I yelled.

"You're a chauvinist pig!" she yelled back, trying to snatch her purse from me.

"I will help you today, whether you like it or not!" I screamed.

"You chauvinist pig!" she yelled again. Why couldn't she say something different. Is that all they taught her at Harvard. Nna di kpo odiqua shovnis pigi odiqua na kulu Harvard? Finally I yanked her purse away triumphantly but she managed to salvage her brief-case. The men in the lobby applauded me, while the women showed their support for her with shouts of "Go sis! I got your back sis!" I thrust the purse into her hand and said: "Here's your purse. I helped you pick it up." She threw it back at me. "I don't want it since it's been soiled by your chauvinistic pig-headedness" and with that she marched briskly off to the elevator with her briefcase in hand.

I opened the purse quickly, before she changed her mind, looking for money, credit cards, or anything of some value. There were a couple of twenty-dollar bills in the purse which I pocketed with a vengeance. I looked deeper and saw some tampons. I took them out hoping I could sell them, then thought better of it and put them back. I spotted some credit cards, then, "Gbosa!" there was a blinding flash of light after which the floor jumped up and HIT my head.

When I awoke, she was standing by the bedside. "I'm sorry about that" she spoke softly. It was like when we first met. It was magical. "It's quite alright my dear" I replied as I made out, from the color of the walls, that I was in a hospital. Her face turned to steel. "Did you say 'my dear?' How dare you, you chauvinistic pig!" but before she could turn to leave, I pulled her to me and our lips met in ten-seconds of passion. Allero and I got engaged two weeks later.

"What is wrong with you?

Do you not know that Urhobo people cannot marry Itsekiris?" my mother yelled. "You want to kill me, that's what you want to do!" I hated when she did that. "But mama, Allero will make a good wife. Besides you should be happy that here in America I found a Nigerian wife!" My mother wasn't impressed. "Can she cook starch and banga soup?" I wasn't sure, for we'd never eaten that at her place. She'd made all sorts of food for me, but never quite starch and banga. "Er..." I tried to speak, but my mother was livid. "You cannot marry her! She is a witch! You hear me? A witch!" and with the verdict pronounced, mama walked to her room and slammed the door shut.

A witch? Because she couldn't make banga and starch (or hadn't made it for me as of yet, at least)? I couldn't understand why my mother, who had never met Allero, would be so angry at my decision based solely on the fact that Allero was Itsekiri. My father wasn't much help as he expounded later that evening: "She's Itsekiri? She must be a witch. You can't marry her." Just like that.

I was confused. I loved my parents and had always obeyed them, but this once, I was going to go against their wishes even if it meant them disowning me. I loved Allero too much to allow such prejudices get in the way. This was the 90's. Allero herself wasn't having much luck with her folks who claimed that they would commit suicide together if she married an Urhobo man. Allero, though, was undaunted.

But all this was before that day four weeks ago. I was strolling in Central Park, NY, just taking in the sun and the mad people when I heard a scream from near the water. I ran towards where the sound was coming from in the hope that I'd see a crime being committed and be able to sell my story to the National Enquirer for a couple of bucks.

If it reached OJ proportions, we're talking big dough here. As I approached the pond I saw nothing. I was angered. These damn NY thieves acted too fast. Then without warning, something pushed me with much force into the pond. I tried to yell but no sound came out. I looked at my attacker and was shocked. It was fish! A fish that had hair. But it was a beautiful fish. As we struggled in the middle of the pond it looked at me and announced:

"I'm going to kill you today!"

"But why?"

"Shuttup! Don't ask me stupid questions!"

I was always quick with words, especially when it came to female fish:

"But you're such a pretty fish!"

"Really?" It took a step back and looked at it's reflection in the water.

I continued: "Yes, there's something about that fish-long hair combination that just works with you. In fact, if you weren't half-fish, I'd ask you to marry me."

She blushed. "You're just saying that."

"No I'm not. As a matter of fact, I'm proposing to you right now. Will you marry me?"

I knew I was fighting to save my life.

"Yes my love! Yes I'll marry you!"

I smiled. "Great! By the way, I'm OghenevboGaga, what's your name?"

"My name is Crystal. I'm originally from Romania!"

And so it came to pass that four weeks after this incident, we stood before the altar. Allero had been so mad when I told her I was getting married to a mammy-water from Romania, she threw books and things at me. Then finally she turned into a bird and flew away. I hadn't seen her since. My parents were right. She was a witch.

The preacher spoke again: "Do you, mammy-water-from-Romania, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to..."

"I do I do!" she yelled. "Just get on with it!"

"Ok. Ahem. If there is anyone here who knows any valid cause why these two should not be joined in sacred unison, they may speak NOW!.... or forever hold their peace..."

Hold their piss? Odiqua na kpo ji koko piss, ogini biko chukwu Icheoku nna ogini kpo urinate? How absurd. My parents glanced around threateningly. No one dared utter any discontent, not with the way my parents were looking. This was they happiest day of their life. I was getting married, and it wasn't to Allero the Itsekiri witch. Then...

"Caw Caw Caw!" It was Allero! She had come flying in! I picked up a stone and tried to aim good, but I missed and killed the preacher. The mammy-water screamed and began to jump up and down in an annoying manner. There was commotion as Allero flew around and pecked people. A host of other birds appeared too and began pecking people.

They pecked my bride and soon started a fire. Before I could protest, they had roasted her. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Tears came to my eyes. I walked away from the church, but as I walked, I began to melt. I have never been so humiliated in my life. People were looking at me in amazement, but no one offered to help me. Finally, as I reached my doorstep, I had become one big muddy pool. Allero flew by and laughed:

"You chauvinistic bastard!" she yelled.

With one final breath I replied: "It's quite alright, my dear."

Allero was mad: "Did you say 'my dear?' Why I ought to..."

Allero had a heart-attack and fell down on the road. A car crushed her, "squish," as she too became part of my puddle. We were finally joined in unison, my dear Allero, my first love and I.

A sad tale of love, passion and betrayal.

A tragic but true story, and if this isn't your typical Shakespeare story--then what is? See you next time.

The end