The Story of Monte Gobe

Monte Gobe was very ugly. In retrospect, I believe it was by design. For some inexplicable reason, God must have wanted to test the limits of human tolerance. This is not an inordinately cruel thing to say, for if you ever had the mispleasure of Monte Gobe's presence, you would surely concur with my point of view.

My first experience with Monte was my very first day of high school. We had been divided up into our classes and Sola Ladapo and I had spent the first few hours making fun of Tayo Falape who wore Cortina shoes. We started the chant in class:

"Cortina shoes for bata"

"Cortina pant for kpata"

We insinuated, by our song, that not only did Tayo wear the Cortina leather material as footwear, but also as underwear. Tayo, a geekish looking kid at the time, could do nothing more than smile sheepishly, pretending it was as funny to him as it certainly was to us.

At break time, we all bounced happily out of class and made our way to the food kiosks. I was endowed with the benefit of 40 Kobo which, at the time, would be able to purchase for me a Krest "mineral," meatpie and chewing gum. As Sola and I strolled like the cool guys we thought ourselves to be towards the kiosk, a booming voice suddenly distracted us.

"One Boy There!"

As though by automotation, every kid within voice-span took off in the direction of the voice, and not being ones to be left out, Sola and I did the same. We arrived with the rest at the Junior common room and there sat a senior whom the others greeted as "Senior Priye." Priye Ukodoh was one of the terrorists at the time, from what we later heard. He and his boys would sit down in the junior common room and use the younger students as objects of their pleasure--not in any perverse manner, mind you.

"All of you line up" Priye asked. We lined up, about twenty of us, and stood not unlike soldiers. Priye seemed to be preventing a giggle from emanating, saying nothing for the next five minutes, looking to his left at Sege for a signal. After another couple of minutes, Sege saw something then nodded his head at Priye. Priye stood up suddenly and said: "Ok, at the count of five, I want all of you to shout, at the top of your voices, 'Monte Gobe!' If you don't, I will belt you" and he removed his belt menacingly.

I certainly did not feel the need to be acquainted with his belt so I cleared my throat ready to yell as loud as was necessary to decrease the possibility.

"Five... four... three... two... one"

(In Unison) "Monte Gobeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

It must have been Seun Okusana who first noticed the ape-like figure half-running half-crawling towards us at an alarming speed. "yeeeeeee!" Seun screamed, prompting the rest of us to turn around instantly. At the same moment, Senior Priye and the rest of his boys, laughing hysterically as they were, scaled the back wall of the junior common room and thundered off.

The urgency of the situation was not lost on any of us standing there, but attempting to escape at that moment was a classic case of too little too late. This ape-like creature, as hairy as can be, uglier than I could imagine an animal to be, and with longer arms than the length of his body, in one fell swoop gathered at least ten of us into his arms and began to scream: "Uchu! Uchu! Mahoooooooo! Uchu! Uchu! Mahoooo!" The rest of the juniors who managed to escape his grip tore off into the bush, some never to be seen again. They ran forever to escape the torturous view of Monte Gobe.

Sola and I were shaking in our shoes as Monte held all ten of us with his two hands and led us behind the Junior common room. He sure was hideous. Monte guided all of us against the wall and began to speak in a language that closely resembled english:

"Yu ol crace. I beat you now! Fool.. foolish. Who do it? Who ax? I say who ax!"

Blam! he landed what can only be described as a "dirty slap" on a junior's face--the student was too petrified to cry or speak. Monte looked at me. I instantly began to wonder how he got admission into the school and not the veterinary. "Who ax? I say who ax?" I took a wild stab at what the question was. I eagerly answered "Senior Priye" then closed my eyes in joyful anticipation of a dirty slap. Monte did nothing. Instead he shook his head and half-walked half-crawled away.

As he walked away, he left a trail of teardrops. It would seem that ever since he had been in high school, Priye and his boys had taken it upon themselves to make life a living hell for Monte. From afar, Priye and his people watched in amazement. Monte had broken. I knew that Priye felt guilty, deep inside, but outwardly he laughed and pointed with his boys as the humbled Monte walked away, tears in his eyes.

I don't know what it was that possessed me but I ran after Monte. "Senior Monte! Senior Monte" I caught up with him by the mango tree. He turned around and watched me approach, saying something which can be loosely translated to mean "What do you want?" I kept a safe distance away, in the instance that he decided to take out some of his frustrations on me. The other juniors and the Priye group could not believe their eyes. That someone would actually approach or talk to Monte was unreasonable enough to consider the person severely demented. I spoke with Monte for a while, trying to keep my eyes away from his face. He was surely the ugliest thing created, yet he was not as brutal as he was portrayed to be. From talking to him I understood that his anger was with being made fun of.

As we spoke I realized that he was actually a nice and funny person. I couldn't believe he had me laughing before long. We took a walk and I told him the plan.

Late that night, Priye was convinced by his boys that due to the efforts of the lowly junior, Monte was feeling better about his life. Thus, it was decided to teach both Monte and I a lesson we would never forget. As it so happened, that night was the night of the welcome party in the cafeteria. I was there, all "sputted" up, trying to be as cool as I ever was. I watched all the young ladies stroll around, trying to look as fresh as they ever were.

Eniola. Colleen. Yetunde. Ifeanyi. Lolade. We had the beautiful women in I.S.I, no doubt. Rather immediately, I felt a hand around my neck. Without turning round I knew it was Senior Priye. He picked me up and dragged me with him: "You will see today. You think you are a bloke ehn?" Bloke was the term used to describe cool guys at the time. Priye, his gang behind him urging him on, dragged me towards the Senior Log Cabin where Monte Lived with a few other seniors. We got to Monte's room and Priye knocked loudly on the door: "Monte, come out!"

Nothing. Not even a light.

Priye knocked again "Monte, come out!"

Nothing. Priye dropped me on the floor as Sege stepped on me, so that I couldn't run. Priye then pulled on the handle and the door opened to reveal nothing but darkness. I was nervous. This was not what I expected from Monte. This was not the plan. What had happened. "Monte?" Priye probed the darkness looking for a light switch.

"Click"

Priye found the switch and then the world stopped turning for several seconds. Everyone froze, for we saw the limp body of Monte Gobe hanging from a rope tied to the ceiling fan which was still revolving. I wanted to throw up. I began to gasp for air. Priye turned around to look at his group. Everyone looked at the floor. The look in Priye's eyes can only be described as one of extreme horror and fright. I stood up slowly and tapped on Monte's limp body: "Senior Monte! No! Senior Monte, I beg! Monte! Monte!"

Priye flipped. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" He instantly began knocking his head against the wall, severely disfiguring his face. I tried to stop him, but weeping all the way, he pushed me away and began beating himself. He used an iron rod and began hitting his face and crying. The rest of us just watched in amazement as Priye severely beat his own face to a bloody pulp, then ran into the bush screaming "I killed him! I killed him!" The rest of his gang, without a leader, began scattering like a pack of ants in a box of sugar.

I fell on the floor exhausted, tears in my eyes. The limp body of Monte swung around the room from the ceiling fan's motion. And then it swung faster... and then it swung faster and faster and faster. I froze as a laugh emmanated from it.

"Hahahahah! Aitrik dem! Aitrik dem!" (translated, King James Version, "Verily I hath deceiveth the son of man"). Monte jumped down from the ceiling laughing and howling. It was infectious. I began to laugh too. What a masterplan!

Epilogue:

It was my first day of Form 2, but I wasn't a junior like the rest of my mates. True I was their classmate, but I hung out with all the cool seniors. You know, Monte, Sege, and the rest of them. No one

could touch me. I was Monte's homeboy. Monte said, "wash dis... ONE BOY THERE!" and fifty or so juniors come running. "Good afternoon senior Monte." Monte nodded his head and smiled. "Line up... "They all lined up... Monte continued "at count of five, you shout 'Priye The Troll!' or I belt you!" Monte looked at me and winked knowingly as Sege and I got ready to scale the wall. In the distance, a hideous ape-like creature half-walked half-crawled in our general direction...

The end