"Ejovi!"
Jovi's ears perked up, not unlike a dogs'. The voice rang out again.
"Ejovi Omonite Akulubiko Ewikenafe Joromi Agaracha Oromopiopio!"
Jovi's mother always did that. If after the first call Jovi did not answer,
she would call his whole name for the whole world to hear. I found it
amusing, much to Jovi's chagrin.
"Yes mama!"
"Come here!"
"<grumble... grumble.. this woman and her wahala sef!>"
"What did you say?"
"I said I'm coming ma."
Jovi turned around "Gaga, I'll meet you outside church just after father
Munoz starts the first prayer."
I nodded my head. It was New Year's eve, and as per tradition, our
respective families would be attending Midnight Mass to usher in the
New Year. In the past couple of New Year's eves, Jovi and I had
started our own little tradition which soon caught on with all the other
neighborhood kids. We'd stock up on "bangers" which people
annoyingly term now as "firecrackers." Bangers were more like deadly
mini-explosives which operated like matchsticks. You'd strike a banger
on a matchbox and get rid of it immediately. The sound it made when it
exploded was, no kidding, like that of a small grenade. Jovi and I would
carry our nuclear stockpile and go from house to house (especially
those homes which had parents who had offended us during the year)
and throw bangers into their yards and sometimes even into their
verandas if it was open enough. What can I say? T'was fun.
"Ogaga!" I heard my mother's voice. "I'm coming!" I quickly
responded before she brandished my entire name before the whole
community. I ran home and entered the house through the kitchen.
"Gaga, you are coming to church with me today." I was stunned. My
mother didn't go to Midnight Mass at the Catholic Church within our community. She attended Oritamefa Baptist Church and for any other occasion I would've treasured the opportunity (for her pastor was quite fun), but this was the one night I couldn't miss out on Midnight Mass. One of the first things you learn as a youngster is never to argue with your mother, especially when she's cooking. That wooden paddle can be an effective persuader, one must note. I nodded my head and feigned excitement "Good... good..."
I ran to my room in a daze (in those days I didn't know how to walk. I
just ran from place to place if I wasn't standing. This is a normal
condition with most hyper-active kids). As I lay on my bed I knew I had
to have a plan. My thoughts drifted back and forth until I fell asleep...
"Gaga are you alright?"
I squinted as my eyes opened. My mother was standing over me
looking concerned.
"Mama, I think I have headik." To me, any illness, sickness or bodily
inconvenience could be described as "headik," better known to the
uninitiated as "headache." I rolled around in apparent pain and asked
for Lucozade. My mother was genuinely concerned. I heard her
converse with my father and amidst the hushed tones I gathered that it
might be in my better interests to sleep the night out. Certainly no
church for me that evening. My mother walked over and touched my
head. My head wasn't hot or warm, but then stranger things have
happened.
"Gaga, you can't go to church tonight. Maybe you'll feel better in the
morning"
"I can't?" The disappointment showed in my voice. "Ok, I'll sleep."
I wondered what I could ask my mother for which, otherwise, would
seem like the whining of a spoiled kid. I couldn't think of anything. I
began to panic. It wasn't everyday that this opportunity came. By the
time I had decided what I wanted it was too late. My mother and the
rest of the family had left the house, leaving my disgruntled cousin,
Agese, to look after me. I had wanted mama to make me some ogiri
pap. I wondered if Agese would make me some. She was shrewd in
the ways of the young ones, Agese, and wasn't fooled easily. I tried
anyway.
"Agese, I beg, can you make me ogiri pap?"
"You useless vagabond! You tink you can deceive everyone? Bet for
you, I should have been in church right now!"
Vagabond? Agese was one of those smart people who would cry if
she came second in her class in school. She felt that being the best
was reserved for her and her ilk. But vagabond? When did she learn to
use that term? It was the first time I'd heard it, and it certainly was to
become a new term for me.
Agese seemed to be on a mission in life; a quest for higher
knowledge. It had something to do with her initial guardian, my uncle
Romanus, who's father lived on the top floor of a duplex of which the
bottom was rented out to some unruly university students. The
students would make so much noise that Romanus' father would come
out with his chewing stick to caution them.
"You boyses, make una quiet now! Dem born you well?"
"Go away, old man! Gerraway from here! Nonsense and concobility!"
It was this indiscriminate use of the English grammar that incensed
Romanus' father to send Romanus to school so that he could learn the
language of the white man and use it, verily, to abuse those students.
Time went by and finally at the age of 19, Uncle Romanus
finished Standard Three. His father thought this to be a great
achievement and when the students, a new pack (but decidedly as
unruly as ever), were making their usual noise and drinking beer, the
great showdown occurred.
"You boyses, make una quiet now! Dem born you well?"
"Go away, old man! Gerraway from here! Bombastic Insubordination!"
Romanus' father pulled out his ace.
"Romanus! Come and tell these boyses about demselves!"
Romanus, geared for action, came out having taken one last glance at
his Standard Three paraphernalia. He started his tirade, pointing at the
culprits.
"Look Janet! See ball roll! B is for ball! Janet is walking! My brother has
a ball! Janet and John went for a stroll! A stroll is a walk!"
The students burst out laughing, until one collapsed and died of
suffocation. The trauma of this event coupled with the new found
realization of the power of words, was too much for Romanus to handle
and he pulled out from school. His daughter, Agese, however, now
seemed bent on resuming his quest for knowledge, hence the use of
the term vagabond.
Agese was on to my game. She knew I was faking illness and
she was livid. I promptly turned on my side and fell into a deep, deep
fake sleep. My snoring soothed Agese enough for her to fall asleep
on the three-seater chair in the room. I quickly got up and tip-toed my
way to the living room. I looked at the clock. 10.45. I had to hurry.
Father Munoz would start his first prayer sometime around 11. I put on
my sneakers, aptly termed for sneaking out of the house, threw on a
sweater, and, you guessed it, snuck out of the house.
I arrived at the church just in time to see Jovi walking alone
towards the Emorole's house, our first point of attack. "Ejovi!"
I whispered as loudly as I could. He turned around, relieved to see me.
"What happened to you?!"
"I had to sneak out of my house. My mother wanted me to go to
Oritamefa with her!"
He understood. He delved into a pouch and produced a box of matches
and three packets of bangers for me. I almost went insane with joy. So
much mayhem we could cause.
"I was just on my way to the Emorole's house."
"I could tell"
The Emorole's were close family friends, but we had a score to settle
nonetheless. Their father wouldn't let us pluck agbalumos from their
tree with the abandon we would have preferred and had thus become
persona non gratia. We got in front of their driveway and
could see movement inside their living room. They were having some
sort of party. If we got close we could actually throw a banger or two on
to their veranda and watch the people shriek. Their house was on a
lonely stretch of road, the only house near the church, and it wasn't the
most enticing abode one might go to on a dark night. The streetlights
were not working. Actually this was partially our fault, but that's another
story. We began to crawl down the driveway beside the bush towards
the side of the house when suddenly we stopped in our tracks--and for
good reason.
Did I tell you about Mrs. Obong Obong? Mrs. Obong Obong was a witch, but I'm sure you probably know this, for it was common knowledge at the time. Well, as though out of nowhere, Mrs. Obong Obong appeared in front of us, dressed in a white robe, holding a candle in one hand and the
Emorole's cat "Puss-puss" by the neck in the other. Jovi, who was slightly in front of me began to whisper the catholic creed. "I believe in one God, the father almighty. Creator of heaven and earth, and in his only child Jesus Christ..."
"What are you two vagabonds doing here?!" She shrieked in as high-
pitch a nasal tone as you can imagine.
Vagabond? I wondered if her father had gone through the Romanus
experience as well.
It was perhaps not the best time for wondering about such
issues, and taking a cue from Jovi, we turned around and TORE away
into the darkness. As I ran I could hear footsteps behind me and I knew
they were Jovi's. But quite suddenly, something unexpected happened.
I heard a shriek--the shriek of an owl and heard Jovi screaming in pain.
I turned around and froze in horror at what I saw. Mrs. Obong Obong had
turned into a large owl and was biting Jovi on the neck, for she still had
teeth, and a perfect set at that. I seemed unable to move and any
attempted movement was in slow motion. Puss-puss, the cat, lay still
on the floor, trying to catch it's breath. Jovi looked at me and screamed
"help me! help me!" I didn't know what to do, as Mrs. Obong Obong joyfully
snacked away on Jovi's neck. By this time the Emorole's and their
guests had come out and were standing several yards away, watching
in amazement. I had to do something. I pulled out a banger from one of
the packets, and scratched it against the matchbox. "Fizzzzzz, crackle,
fizzzz!" The sound told me it had been lit. I tossed it in the direction of the bird, and watched as it slowly turned around to face me for a split second and begin it's movement in my direction.
It was then I realized that as the bird ate Jovi, Mrs. Obong Obong stood behind me in her white robe. I started gasping for breath and running
through the bushes as the banger chased me, and I was steadily
leaving it behind. But then I tripped. And I fell. And I hurt my knee. And
before I could get up, the banger danced above my head and started
calling my name:
"Gaga! Gaga! Gaga! Wake up! You're having a bad dream!"
I opened my eyes slowly to see my mother over my bed. She put a
hand on my head, "He has a high temperature" she announced.
As my eyes adjusted to the light I could see Agese asleep on the
three-seater, snoring as though her life depended on it. I felt really ill.
I later found out that Jovi had been spotted, by Jude, walking in the
direction of the Emorole's house. Sadly, Jovi was never seen again,
pronounced "missing" by the police. It was also strange that days later, a "nephew/house-boy" was reportedly seen doing menial chores in Mrs. Obong Obong's lonely house, though most people dismissed this as a rumor.
My mother was concerned about me. "Gaga, is there anything
you want to eat? Are you hungry? You have a fever and you must eat."
I tried to speak, but my head hurt like hell. I shivered as I managed to
get the words out. I knew what I wanted. "Mama, please give me ogiri pap."
The end.
P>
