Prophet Jesus of Mokola

I listened intently as the man spoke to the reporter on the N.T.A network news:

"So as di man jus touch my body, my body just make wien-wien. I come turn arand but I am not seeing him. So later now, when piss cash me, I go for wall to urinate. As I come pull down my trozziz, even as piss cash me so, my penis no dey. E don disappear! But I wan piss, but my body jus dey make wien-wien!"

He must be lying, I thought. There are no such things as penis thieves. It was all a rumor, and the likes of this attention-seeking simpleton where just perpetuating it, furthering its growth. When will my people learn? I looked at the time. I had to get to Dugbe to buy my Kung-fu slippers. Some people said they were made in Aba, and I don't doubt it, because everyone knows the saying that you can buy anything you want in Aba: From human eyes to helicopter spare parts. How about genitals. Maybe that's where the penis thieves go and sell their wares. Such nonsense! Well, must get going.

"kpayoke pad!"

"kpayoke pad!"

"Mokola! Dugbe! Mokola! Dugbe! Dugbe! Dugbe!"

"Shallenge, barracks, randabout, one shance!"

Whatever the hell were these conductors saying? Having lived in America for a while, it was going to take me some time to get used to this climate. Couldn't they just have bus schedules and go through appointed routes? "Mokola dugbe, mokola dugbe, mokola dugbe, dugbe, dugbe!" It was almost like a song. "Broda come now." I looked at the bus I was being invited to. There was no space in it, not even for a shrimp. "Surely you can't be serious." I protested. The conductor hissed. "Abeg broda oyinbo, if you no wan enta, commot jo!" He was so rude. There must be a complaints department. I'd have to lodge a complaint.

I spotted another danfo bus. It was just pulling in. Suddenly, a mob of people rushed past me into the bus. No line? These people were so undisciplined. I found myself being pushed into the danfo too. But there was no space to sit, so I had to stand. This was not cool. After waiting to squeeze in as many extra passengers as possible, we began to move. As the bus began to move I immediately felt my bare skin, at the back, touch a hand. Instinctively I reached for my pocket. I was aghast. My wallet and all my money were gone! I remained calm and decided to get off at the next stop, Sango market.

Lucky that I had held my fare money in my hand, I paid the conductor, collected my change, and got off. The market was abuzz with activity. Mostly meat-related activity. Some people where cutting it, some where buying it. Some where eating it (raw cartilage in some cases) and some where just meat--big wads of meat rolling around the sand, or so it looked, as they moved from one spot to another. They must be living the good life. I decided I could walk back to Agbowo from there. No point in anything else now.

I noticed a short, very short, man walking in my direction. When he got to me he started to say things which intrigued me. "God has a plan for your life." He told me. "But you must be careful. Beware of rats on Mondays. Never look at a fish's eye after twelve noon. Never eat grass without rubbing your stomach with oil! God has a plan for your life." As he spoke I was temporarily distracted, and so when someone pushed me from behind I could not turn around quickly enough to see who it was. I just know that as I turned around I felt a strange sensation. I don't know how to describe it. I guess my body made a... well... made a er... "wien-wien" motion. I turned back to the prophet of God but he had disappeared. I felt light-headed and giddy.

Quite suddenly I wanted to use the bathroom and I knew with this sudden urge I couldn't hold it, so I quickly darted towards the loneliest corner of the market and unzipped my pants. You cannot imagine my surprise when I attempted to hold my genital in my hand and do my duty, and found out that... I had two penises!

"Yeee! Paripa!" I screamed, my original Nigerianity returning without hesitation. My screams, however, where not heard by the market people. They were busy chasing a supposed thief. "Ole Ole!" they shouted as a multitude ran after a man. The man turned the corner and bumped into me, dropping his bag of loot as we collided. He fell down, and my eyes opened wide when I saw the contents of his bag spill out. Penises of all shapes and sizes in the midst of several Naira notes were all over the floor. The mob turned the corner and before I could say anything the man pointed at me and screamed "Tif! Tif! Ole! He tiffed my penis! He stole my toto!"

I would have explained to the crowd that this was, in itself, an untruth, but was not given the chance as they advanced towards me--several with clubs and sticks. I immediately turned and ran for my life. Several of these people looked like they were not having a good day. Some might have had quarrels with their spouses, and some might be displeased with the government. What better way to vent your anger than with a few well-timed blows to a criminal's head? And then I found myself approaching a wall. There was no way I could jump over it. There was a man taking a leak by the wall. He was short, very short. Maybe I could step on his head and use him as leverage. Might as well, there was no other option.

I was between a rock wall and a hard place. Let me rephrase that: I was between a rock wall and death. Using my triple jump practice I accelerated. Hop, step (on his head) and jump. As I stepped on his head, I suddenly realized whose head it was I was using as a diving board. It was the prophet of God. I couldn't be preoccupied with that as I clawed my way up the wall and got to the top. I looked down on the other side and saw that it was a compound with several German Shepherd dogs barking and ready to snack on a nice plump Johny-just-come like myself.

I stayed there contemplating my fate. Meanwhile, the crowd had reached the wall and there was a lot of commotion, but the prophet seemed to have some eerie power over them. Without turning to me he said "Pray my son! Pray for your life!" I tried to pray but could only come up with "For what we are about to receive, oh lord, make us truly thankful. Amen." It just didn't sound quite right.

His head slightly tilted, involuntarily in this case, he raised his hands to the air and kept them there. The crowd mumbled discontentedly. The prophet was spoiling their fun. I just might survive. The prophet spake. "People of Ibadan, do you know who I am?" The crowd took a step back. "People of Ibadan, I am Jesus of Mokola! I have come to give you eternal rice!" The people cheered. The prospect of free food from above is enough to make a people happy. The government could learn a thing or two from this guy. "People of Ibadan, you chase a thief.

But I say to you today... let he who is without sin cast the first stone!!" Silence. One, two, three, four seconds, WHOOMP! A mid-sized rock hit the prophet dead on his forehead and he immediately collapsed to the ground. The crowd cheered as several more sinless humans tossed their stones at the prophet. Sometime within the next few seconds he took leave of earth and decided to go back to heaven and tell God that he didn't succeed.

I was dismayed, for as the crowd realized that they had taken care of an accomplice, they looked to the wall and pointed at me. "Come down here, ole! Tif! I will bit you for that penis you stole of mine!" I wanted to protest, but knew I wouldn't get very far. Damn the consequences. I jumped off the wall into the waiting paws of the German shepherds.

Epilogue: It's been two years since that day. I praise God for all that has happened. I remember when I jumped and saw the dogs transform into angels. I remember their message to me. Now I am walking around giving people the message of the almighty. "Beware of rats on Monday! Never look a fish in the eye after twelve noon. Never eat grass without rubbing your stomach with oil." It's still uneasy having two penises, but at least I'm alive. Well, enough reminiscing as I take a piss. I must get back to work. I zip up and turn around.

There's a tall, very tall man running towards me. Towards this wall. There is a lot of noise behind him. There seems to be something vaguely familiar about this situation, but I'll be darned if I have time to bother about things of this world. Things of this world. Things of this world hmm, I wonder... Oww! My Head!

The end