October 24, 2001
Most people consider sex as evil, dirty and degrading. Some people even try to act as though they have no sexual feeling. They ignore core issues that concern their sexuality. They have failed to realize that sex in itself is part of the handwork of a very creative artist- God Almighty.
The attitudes they have developed have caused them to frown at anything that seems to give sex a good footing. Nobody seems to want to sincerely, honestly, and joyfully look into the various issues that make up, influence and improve a person’s sexuality. The purpose(s) of sex and the place it has in an individual’s life are not given serious thoughts (or considerations).
Generally speaking, there is something wrong with the way people are brought up to view sex. As a result, sex has been and is being abused. Truly, one stands a greater chance of abusing that which he is ignorant of and/or that which he ignores. The general attitudes of people towards sex have led to its abuse. This shows that they abhor wrong conceptions about sex. They have not yet come to the understanding of the purpose(s) of sex.
There are those who believe that sex arise solely because of lustful desires. As a result, they uphold that it hinders one from having a strong divine connection with God. As far as they are concerned, sex must be sacrificed for spiritual development. These groups of people fall under the category that sees sex as evil. Anyhow, some admit that it is "a necessary evil".
Would things be different for them if they try to understand the spirituality involved in sex? Would they think differently if they hear what someone else has got to say about all that sex involves?
Another attitude cultivated by some is the idea of "if it feels good, do it". "Sex feels good", they say and as such everybody is encouraged to practice it irrespective of their marital status- single, separated, divorced or married. They uphold that sex is fun and should be indulged in by anyone. All that is required is consent, period.
Sure, sex feels good; it is great and it can be much fun. But is it intended for just anyone, at anytime, any age? Some people indulge in sex because "everyone is doing it". It is unwise for one to indulge in anything simply because every other person is involved. By the way, is it really true that everyone is doing it? Knowing the right answer is very important. The truth would prevent the abuse of sex that is evident in societies all over the world.
Misconceptions about sex are not new. And so many people do suffer as a result. They suffer heartaches, tensions, pains and fears. Misconceptions arise not only as a result of wrong attitudes, but also because of traditions, taboos and myths. Ignorance of the sexual physiology (the science of how the body works or functions in relation to sex and/or sexuality) is a chief contributing factor. However, there is a way out.
Humans can overcome misconceptions about sex and build intimate marital relationships. When human beings understand, identify with and appreciate their own sexuality and its purpose, they gain the ability to overcome common misconceptions and build intimate marital relationships.
Wrong notions (or misconceptions) about sex abound in our societies. They include statements like ‘sex is dirty’; ‘sex is for procreation only’; ‘a woman’s sex life is over at menopause’ and ‘a woman is not capable of orgasm’. There are people who regard sex as dirty. They believe it is ungodly. They have little or no respect for sex.
A strong reason for this has to do with their upbringing. Their parents or guardians have imbibed the ‘Victorian mentality’ of sex being evil in them. They grew up in an environment that frowns at sex and looks upon sex with fear, shame and suspicion-- a mysterious suspicion. The abuse of sex is another good reason. Sex is looked upon with disdain because of the shameless display of sexual immorality.
Sex in itself is not evil. It is a gift from God. God created it. It is sacred. It has its place in marriage. Sex outside of marriage is wrong, evil and can lead to a lot of problems. But sex when rightly used is lovely and beautiful. It stands out as a powerful means through which oneness is expressed in the union of hearts and bodies. John Gray, a well-known author of books about sexuality portrays the beauty and importance of sex when he says:
Great sex reminds both men and women of the tender and highest love that originally drew them together. The alchemy of great sex generates the chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health. It leaves us not only with the sparkle of youthful vitality, but with a heightened sense of beauty, wonder, and appreciation not only for each other, but also for the world around us. Great sex is God’s special gift to those who work hard to make love a priority in their lives. (13)
With the above comment in mind, truly sex cannot be looked upon as dirty. Sexual feelings are a part of the make-up of humans. Sexuality that is not abused plays a positively important role in the overall well-being of human--- psychologically, emotionally, and socially (to mention but a few).
Another misconception about sex is that it is for procreation only. Proponents of such beliefs consider sex outside the context of procreation as selfish and carnal (or ungodly). They uphold that sex should only be engaged in for the purpose of childbearing. Any other reason (for sex) is frowned at. A careful understanding of human sexuality would help resolve this issue. Firstly, the sexuality of human beings differs greatly from that of animals. Situations abound in animals where sexual intercourse takes place only at specific periods--- when they are in heat. With humans, sex can take place any time, any day.
Secondly, sex for humans goes beyond simply childbearing. It is complex. It involves emotions, body and soul. It is an expression of the love; intimate romantic love people have for each other. One highly reputed speaker on love and sex and natural family planning gives some good reasons for sex:
Yet God created the act of sex. He did so for two closely related reasons. The long-term one is the continuation of the human race, but the immediate object of intercourse is to provide man and woman with a unique means of expressing their love for each other in marriage. When sexual intercourse is experienced not only as a physical union, but simultaneously as a deep spiritual union of two persons, then one is very close indeed to realising in the depths of that union, that the greatest thing that life has to offer husband and wife is real love, and God is love. This love is surely a mystery and one cannot define it precisely. (McSweeney 15)
There are people who hold the view that a woman’s sex life is over at menopause. "The menopause or change-of-life is that time of life when the menses have ceased and childbearing is over". (McSweeney 37). Some of these people have this belief because they uphold that sex is for procreation only. Then (according to them), considering the fact that ovulation ceases at menopause and as such a woman cannot conceive, her sexual life is over.
There are those who presume that a woman’s sexual desire (libido) is based chiefly on her ovulation. A lot of people hold this wrong idea all over the world, even to this day (McSweeney 31). The belief that without ovulation there can be no libido (for women) is false. Women are not like some female animals that only desire their male counterparts when in heat.
A lady’s desire for sex can be aroused by touch and a feeling of being loved and tenderly cared for. And this still happens even long after menopause. McSweeney puts it beautifully when he says:
It is completely untrue to say that a woman’s ‘sex life’ is finished when the menses cease. The fact that false beliefs about the menopause vary so much from country to country is, in itself, an indication of their falsity. Life would be so different for many men and women if they could be freed from the fears and uncertainty caused by those beliefs. They would then discover that intercourse after the menopause is not only safe, but can be a happy experience with a new vitality at that time. (37)
Menopause is a vital stage in a woman’s life. A good understanding of it would help her to prepare adequately for it. Identifying with the reality of menopause would aid her to adjust to all the changes (and their effects) that would occur. Appreciating this stage will be a great plus for her psychologically. All fears would be laid off and with the love and understanding of her husband, sex would be safe, fun and pleasurable. A whole new window of a greater union and intimacy would be opened unto them. Marriage can be much fun at this time.
Another sexual misconception is that women are not capable of orgasm. The term orgasm is the point, during sexual intercourse where the body discharges its accumulated sexual tension in a peak of sexual arousal. Usually, orgasm is very short. It lasts for a few seconds. Biologically (at orgasm), rhythmic muscular contractions produce intense physical sensations followed by rapid relaxation. Psychologically, it is a time of intense pleasure (ecstasy) and suspended thought (Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny 65). This misconception is rooted in different false beliefs. The notion that decent ladies are not even supposed to enjoy sex is one of them. The pleasures of sex are thought to be for the men only.
Another reason for this misconception is the fact that a lot of ladies have not experienced orgasm (in the sexual act).
For a woman to enjoy lovemaking, she needs sufficient time for foreplay. Women do not get aroused as easily (or as quickly) as men. Husbands need to implement a lot of gentleness, tenderness and play. With quality time for arousal, the vaginal glands easily secrete special lubricating mucus (McSweeney 27). Adequate lubrication prevents painful penetration; thus ensuring the pleasure of both the man and the woman. Here, orgasm is definitely within reach for the woman. It should be noted that it takes a longer time for the woman to achieve orgasm than the man. With this in mind, the husband should exercise some patience; learn to control himself or hold himself back as he reasonably can. With continuous stimulation, she will get to ‘the mountain top’. Orgasm can be a reality for women.
The knowledge of the fact that the vaginal walls need lubrication before copulation (that is, union of the male and female sex organs) would help clear off the misconception some people have (most especially, ladies) that sex is painful and as such not pleasurable. Masters and Johnson give a clear description of female orgasm when they say:
Women often describe the sensations of orgasm as beginning with a momentary sense of suspension, quickly followed by an intensely pleasurable feeling that usually begins at the clitoris and rapidly spreads throughout the pelvis. The physical sensations of the genitals are often described as warm, electric, or tingly, and these usually spread throughout the body... (66)
A lot of myths and misconceptions about sex abound. Inhibitions, shyness, and taboos have become a commonplace in the world today. As a result, havoc has been wrecked in many a marriage. However, they can be overcome. People need to know the ways in which their sexuality has been affected and/or can be affected (either positively or negatively). This would assist them on how to deal with their sexual problems. These problems may be social, emotional, psychological or even biological. Also, they can build on the positive aspects of their sexuality. A thorough knowledge of sex and/or sexuality would enable people to identify with and appreciate their sexuality. This would invariably help build intimate marital relationships.
Different factors affect/influence one’s sexuality. The book, Man & Woman Boy & Girl by John Money and Anke A. Ehrhardt gives an analysis of the role and effects of one’s environment, culture and parental upbringing on his/her sexuality. A key area carefully analyzed is the role one’s biological and/or physical attributes play.
Previous sexual experiences also affect one’s sexuality. For couples to build intimate marital relationships, it would be beneficial for them to discuss how they matured sexually. This would help them to understand each other better. Each would be able to easily identify with, and appreciate the sexuality of the other.
The fact that sex education plays a key role in overcoming misconceptions about sex (and building intimate marital relationships) is very, very clear. Catherine Chilman notes that sex education does not only give biological facts about sex; it also involves discussing the importance of feelings, motivations, and values; and this helps people to understand, identify with, appreciate and ultimately cope with their own sexuality (Gordon 106-107). It is worth mentioning to note that God creates human beings. The body is a product of His handwork. Human sexuality is His making. Sex and/or sexuality should not be a thing to be ashamed of. It should not be looked at with disgust. Rather, everyone should love, admire, and treat with pride (and respect) his/her sexuality.
Intimate marital relationships can be built once misconceptions about sex are overcome or avoided. The fact that sex plays a very vital role in ensuring a long lasting, blissful marriage cannot be over-emphasized. It serves as a strong tool that binds a man and his wife together. It acts as a seal of the marriage covenant. In overcoming sexual misconceptions, myths and taboos, couples need to know and implement the various techniques that foster the growth of love, understanding and unity amongst them. "Communication is the way we attempt to get through to each other, the process of transmitting feelings, attitudes, needs, facts, beliefs, and ideas. It is as vital to a relationship as oxygen is to the human body" (Bienvenu 2).
Through communication, husbands and wives could recognize their sexual incompatibilities that need to be accepted or worked on. It is a means through which inhibitions can be identified and dealt with. It is true that people are taught not to express and/or discuss issues concerning sex from childhood. Couples should bear this in mind as they relate to each other. They should work towards laying off such prohibitions. Certain guidelines to build communication (and thus prevent marital breakdown) are worth mentioning here.
Couples should build a climate of "safety of expression"; share their feelings; employ good listening skills; and cultivate a desire for companionship (Bienvenu 3-4).
Even before marriage, lovers should ensure the existence of a sound communication in their relationship. They should talk on how to have a sexual relationship that satisfies the two of them. Issues like views on sex, its relationship to love, its importance in a marriage, sexual inhibitions and what they expect of each other as sexual partners should be looked into (Bienvenu 6). This would invariably help them to overcome some misconceptions and lay the solid foundation for a successful marriage.
It is the responsibility of couples to know each other’s deepest needs. In the book If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist, Gary Smalley, a highly reputable author explains a woman’s deepest needs, shows a man how to meet those needs, and gives simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He deals with how a man can respond to a woman’s feelings and also how to make her feel important. He cites an example of how a man made it clear to his wife that she is more important to him than his work. Comments Gary, "She was so thrilled with his attitude and so encouraged by his sensitivity and gentleness that she said she could hardly resist giving herself to him in every way" (Smalley 52).
It should be noted that the issues that apply to a woman as discussed in the book (by Gary Smalley) also apply to a man. However, they apply to women most especially. The fact that couples are more responsive sexually when they understand each other cannot be over-emphasized.
In How to Talk So Your Mate Will Listen and Listen So Your Mate Will Talk, Nancy L. Van Pelt, a woman of great insight and understanding of issues concerning couples gives information that presents innovative techniques and strategies for developing skills people need to establish and sustain intimacy.
Wrong notions (or misconceptions) about sex must be corrected. People should understand and love their sexuality. Sex has to be understood for what it really is. Its purposes must be made clear in the minds of all. Sex is not dirty; it is not only for procreation. Sex is sacred, and apart from the wonderful purpose of procreation, it is meant for the enjoyment of a man and his wife. Enjoyment, pleasure and fulfillment are not meant for the man only but also for the woman as well. All societies should do all in their capabilities to give a good, clean and beautiful image of sex. The abuse of sex is degrading and should be strongly discouraged. When sex is
given its right place, true love flourishes.
It can be clearly seen that when human beings understand, identify with, and appreciate their own sexuality and its purpose, they gain the ability to overcome common misconceptions and build intimate marital relationships. Having the right attitude towards sex would cause an individual not to abuse it. As people become open to entertaining and discussing issues about sex, they would easily let go of inhibitions. Knowledge eliminates ignorance. Having sound knowledge on sexuality would help clear off various myths and taboos about sex that have plagued humanity for centuries. Also, men and women alike should learn about their sexual anatomy (or sexual physiology). Knowledge of how the body works or functions (in relation to sex) will help clear off a lot of misconceptions about sex.
It is important to recall that sex and/or sexuality is the work of a very creative artist. This artist is no other person than God Almighty. He created us (amongst other things) as sexual beings. And this is very, very beautiful. He did this with good intentions in mind.
Not all misconceptions about sex are touched here. There are many more. However, the basic issues have been dealt with. With all the resources available about the topic at the moment, people can be saved from a lot of sorrows and heartaches. Nevertheless, with more research being done and findings made, the world would be relieved of one of the most controversial issues that have plagued men and women for ages.
Works Cited
- Bienvenu, Millard J. Talking It Over Before Marriage. Pamphlet No. 512. New York: Public
Affairs Committee, 1974.
- Golden, M. Foreword. Love and Life: Natural Family Planning. 7th Ed. By Léonie
McSweeney. Ibadan: African Universities, 1990. 5.
- Gordon, Sol. The Sexual Adolescent: Communicating with Teenagers about Sex. California:
Duxbury, 1973.
- Gray, John. Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion. 1951.
New York: Harper Perennial, 1997.
- McSweeney, Léonie. Love and Life: Natural Family Planning. 7th ed. Ibadan: African
Universities, 1990.
- Masters, William H., Virginia E. Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny. Human Sexuality. Boston:
Little, Brown and Company, 1982.
- Money, John, and Anke A. Ehrhardt. Man and Woman, Boy and Girl. Maryland: John Hopkins
University, 1972.
- Pelt, Nancy Van L. How to Talk So Your Mate Will Listen and Listen So Your Mate Will Talk.
Michigan: Fleming H. Revell, 1989.
- Smalley, Gary. If Only He Knew: What no Woman Can Resist. Michigan: Zondervan, 1988.
Guides
Overcoming Misconceptions About Sex