Regime Change In Abuja???
By: Odiza Kibiam
May 7, 2003
Washington DC, USA
Man, I had this very weird dream o - in short call it a nightmare!
President Bush had addressed the nation and said the US was going for regime change in Nigeria. This was his case for action against the giant of Africa.
Regime Change
Bush alleged that this was a country that "kills its own people". Citing massacres of innocent civilians in the villages of Odi and Zakibiam, he said Nigeria had deployed her troops against the helpless thus committing crimes against humanity.
In addition for some reason oil infrastructure had been sabotaged and the wealth of the people was being skimmed for wasteful projects leaving the people in poverty and deprivation as though they were under sanctions.
To make matters worse, nuclear material used in making bombs had disappeared from the Niger Delta and the International Inspectors from the IAEA were unable to find a credible explanation for their disappearance.
It invaded its neighbours in the name of peace keeping when there was no peace to keep butits force forces kept 'a piece.' Furthermore there was clearly a potential for Bin Laden who had named Nigeria in a recent speech to link up with fundamentalists in that country and pose a significant threat to the world.
Can you imagine accomplished fraudsters linking up with terrorism? They will find a way of wreaking destruction without dying, escaping and doing it all over again through fax and email too!
According to the American President most disturbing of all was evidence that the Nigerian National Assembly was going on with a systematic program of WMD - Working for Masses Destruction - at every opportunity it had.
Finally Bush said, every effort to resolve this on a diplomatic level failed as Nigeria's Deputy Foreign Minister lambasted the US Ambassador while Nigeria's Information Minister opened fire saying US may as well commit suicide on the walls of Agege because Nigeria owes "no apology to anyone" for the massacre of Nigerians.
The minister who is also a professor maintained it was the right of Nigeria to kill Nigerians as a clear dividend of democracy is the right to self-determination and self-destruction. For this reason Bush said he had dubbed Nigeria as the axis of the unbelievable - an oil-exporting and importing country which was simultaneously an oil-rich and poor country. Such an absurdity was a grave threat to humanity's intelligence and the sensibility of mankind.
At this time, you can imagine, I was scared to my wits end and crying in my sleep but those in my room said I began to relax and calm down after a while as I slept on.
In the second half of my dream, Vice President Cheney began to speak about Post War Nigeria.
Post War Reconstruction
The wealth of the people would be applied for the benefit of the people. Roads and bridges would be built especially the Port-Harcourt Benin Patani road which unfailingly collapses every year during rainy season severing links between both cities. Also Lagos Onitsha road will finally be dualised so that industrial goods and luxury buses will no more drive on death traps.
Cheney said that thousands would be employed to help with rebuilding the nation on reasonable wages a day so that vast numbers of graduates, Bakassi Boys and Area boys would have gainful employment and become productive citizens. Salary arrears would be paid to teachers and civil servants who had been languishing for months and US ships were on the Atlantic to treat people who had been suffering without good hospitals for years.
Finally millions of Nigerians across the globe would be airlifted from the US, Europe, Asia, Saudi Arabia, in short every country where there is an official currency that is more stable than the naira to help rebuild Nigeria.
At this point people claim I began to laugh deliriously in my sleep as though I was enjoying my self.
Joy and Owambe
When the British Special Forces arrived secretly in Lagos to spy out the city they were surprised by a bunch of contractors and politicians who wanted 'jobs' in the new administration. However the crowd of cheering Lagosians asked them where the rest of their troops are that they shouldn't bother to come at nite or in secret, they should feel very welcome. In fact someone "borrowed" them his cell phone so they could call PM Tony Blair to come "now now"!
The British spent their first day digging boreholes all over Lagos and conducting traffic and that was how Lagos fell without a single bunker buster. In fact people showered them with 'boli', apples, gsm handset, ties and starched second hand-shirts.
Balogun Market women association contributed to charter British Airways flights to bring in British forces and the Oba donated his palace as a residence for the troops because the Nigerian economy is worse off now compared to independence in 1960.
The Emir of Kano called the British to find out when they too will be invaded as they were anxiously awaiting the troops. The British told him they are enjoying Sharia-free Lagos so much, Kano could surrender by phone and they would be ruled indirectly.
In Abuja it was a different story. When the Americans stormed Aso Presidential Palace, the security men were so naive they simply went in and told the president that " oyibo say dem wan see oga"
Knowing that this could not mean well after all the insults that the President had heaped on the US ambassador, the President disappeared into one of the numerous bunkers that IBB had built under Aso rock years back.
When Abuja people heard the news at the Abuja stadium where they were having a million man solidarity rally for the regime which was just completed at almost $500 million when they don't even have adequate housing, they began to demolish it with a sledgehammer.
Afterwards the irate crowd of liberated citizens charged towards the national assembly to loot and to revenge. However when they got there - it had already been completely looted by the Sinators and Representathieves who had disappeared.
Only the signboard which mercifully had been left behind confirmed to the citizens that this was really where the National Assembly offices had been. Only the foundation remained and onlookers observed that the looting must have been going on for years even before the invasion of Nigeria had begun.
At this time I woke up. My nightmare had become a dream and then a fantasy only to be rudely interrupted by reality.
Ahead of me was an election to pick one of two brutal ex-dictators. I wanted to pick Uncle Shege who had a consistent habit of killing citizens by unknown soldiers whether as military or civilian leader. With three massacres to his credit and a great information Minister like Jerry Gana who had mastered the art of lying into a national past time, I was sure they would be a great team. Besides Uncle Shege had an impressive track record of speaking rudely and offending people. His only problem is that he is now a 'born-again' dictator and now has a sense of humour.
On the other hand Buhari was a wonderful candidate. He had imprisoned everybody conceivable and subdued the country into silence. He even attempted to crate somebody all the way from London and took on Thatcher herself. He is pro-sharia and maybe pro Bin Laden. He never smiles and he imposed himself on his own party. Who could ask for a better aspirant? His only problem is Idiagbon is no longer there unless he can hire the Iraqi Information minister to replace him.
Actually it is at times like this that one misses General Abacha. He would have been the best candidate if we were looking for a wickedly saddamic dictator who would run Nigeria aground and result in the US bringing regime change to Nigeria.
In fact he even had his own Uday and Qusay (Mohammed and Ibrahim Abacha) to neatly fit the profile of dastardly Saddam.
Of this two living candidates, it is difficult to see who can mismanage our country the best and it really is a close call.
Anyway Obasanjo has been given another chance to mismanage Nigeria and hopefully may be he will do worse this time. Bush over to you, some of us want to dance in the street too!
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