No-No Presents This Christmas
One guy man ask man make I tell am gift e go buy for madam. I no know book o, ehen, and I say I no fit help. As the guy no gree make I rest now, naim I con gi'am list of things not to buy. Na there my power reach.
Things not to buy this Xmas.
- Bright yellow washing up gloves with matching mop and bucket to go with her fair complexion. (If she no laik di present tell am say -It's the thought that counts).
- Large Igbale (Broom) imported specially from Las Gidi suitable for all those dead leaves in the drive way. (Should it be a 'White christmas', she fit take am sweep snow comot make you pass. Abi?)
- Beautifull frying pan set ideal for those Dodo slices you love.
- Giant packet of Omo wrapped in an elegant silver and gold wrappng paper. It will be ideal for that 'hand wash only' Lappa yua mama dey tie for chest wey your madam don dey wash every week for the past two years. (Come sef, which day yua mama go return home now ?).
- One gaint metal bucket for laundry. The nostalgia will make her fall in love all over again especially when that grating noise of bucket on concrete floor starts.
- Wrapped up free perfume sample from the mall.
- Designer jeans 3 sizes too large. Tell her it's 'easy fit'. (No forget to throway receipt as na you go nak the trouser when she see say the thing no size).
- Recycled cards from last year. (Ah ah. Wetin? Nobody dates cards now. She no fit find out. Just go charter envelopes nak the cards put).
- Kitchen knife set, grinding stone (Blender ko blender ni), and a magnifying glass with a hand-crafted 18 Karat handle ideal for picking out all the Kokoro, stones and weevils from the beans yua mama brought from village.
- A large screen TV with 15 years' subscription to the sports channels. (What do you mean she doesn't like football? Abeg it's the thought that counts ojare. Abi she no know say world cup dey come?)
- Mai people, dis last one carry health warning o! Anything can happen so wear crash helmet bifor you present dis gift o!
Give her a well polished Mortar and pestle with her name engraved in by a top Naija sculptor. Infact on the way to Muritala make dem branch Alaba International nak CD player and speakers into the side of the mortar.
That way, you and yua mama go dey chop smooth pounded yam (Home style), while madam go dey pound to Prince Nico's sweet mother CD thereby benefitting from a total cardiovascular aerobic workout (Jane Fonda ko Jane fonda ni). She will love you forever.
(Bico if she nak yua head and crash helmet fail no mention Babawilly name to Coroner o!)
Much love to my wife, my mother and all Naija women (including Miss World).
Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year everyone.
© December 2001 - Babawilly