A Friendly War - Chapter 4
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My bladder rejoiced as I hurried off to the toilets. But come see show!.I passed a couple involved in a "domestic" which people around said started like play-like play. At first they were arguing on how well the Falcons (Nigeria's female soccer team) might do in a friendly against the Super Eagles.
"These boys are gentlemen so they will do what we men do everyday and that is let the woman win" said the husband. For no obvious reason that statement vex the woman well well. The husband as usual didn't notice and began to entertain his new-found audience with more. "Perhaps the result will depend on exactly what the Falcons are wearing at the time" he now said.
Unfortunately I couldn't wait for the wife's reply, as nature's call became too strong.
At the toilet's entrance I received the shock of my life. "By Jove!" I screamed. A spillage almost occurred in my pants, for lying there at the entrance of the nice refurbished toilets that stank of antiseptic was a corpse marinating in a pool of his own blood. He was prone and held fast to a spanner in one hand and a toilet seat in the armpit on the other side.
A uniformed man bearing a face like thunder chewed Kola behind closed lips as he stood in an "at ease" position. "Wetin happen?" I ventured. He swung round at me like a lion about to pounce and true to God, the sight of his most interesting rifle pointed at me opened the floodgates. My life flashed across me very eyes as I unconsciously irrigated my underwear.
Fear na bad thing o. Ha! God forbid! Let no poet deceive you o, the gun is in fact mightier than the pen! (Before you criticise my lack of courage come and walk a few years in my shoes within the boundaries of this great country and we shall see).
"My orders were to shoot to kill anyone leaving these toilets with anything they hadn't brought in" the army man said calmly, showing me his dangling uvula and half masticated Kola in the process. "Deposits only but no withdrawals" he added, laughing at his sense of humour. He expanded he chest like he was about to address the whole first and second mechanised divisions without microphone and began talking "the recent spate of armed robberies and vandalism has spiralled out of control sir and we must deal with it, fire for fire and blow for blow.
As a civilised society, we must respect public property" .I nodded to everything he said o! After all the gun was now pointed at me. Nature called again and I side stepped the corpse eyeing his blood soaked green white green top (of course not original Nike like mine) and I must confess I almost fainted. I haven't been in contact with dead bodies that much, apart from three funerals and one road accident I witnessed.
Now stationed in front of the urinals my trembling hands struggled with the zip. I paced myself with gentle breathing exercises and was soon relaxed. Next problem was I couldn't get my bush taxi to move. "Please turn on the taps for me sir" I asked of the army man .The sound of running water did the trick.
Suddenly some policemen arrived on the scene. "At last!" I exclaimed in my mind thinking that justice will be served on the trigger happy toilet guard. He narrated his account to the policemen of how he caught the "useless thief" trying to strike as he had done many times before. "How many bullets you use?" they asked. "One" replied the proud guard. They all took turns in patting him on the back for the good riddance and saving the tax payers' money through his judicious use of bullets, before unleashing ferocious kicks at the corpse.
Who says Nigeria hasn't got abundant talent in soccer. I tell you, these policemen were born to kick football but mistakenly ended up in the police force. ( I like that word Force. Not police gentle or police persuasion but na police force, chei!) Next minute we were alone. "Isn't your brand of justice too severe, if anything why not shoot the legs?" I ventured. He eyed me wickedly and screamed "the thief na your broda!" Oh no sir!" I replied.
"Anyway I was just obeying orders", he said nonchalantly.
How original. Every solider says that. "I suppose you think that lame excuse will hold water in court" I asked seeing he was smiling a bit. "Sir, not just water but plenty of Naira and kobo" (I couldn't understand so I just laughed). "Now you mentioned it." I said as I washed my hands (under this miracle of flowing tap water), clear of misplaced drops of urine due to my fright "who invented the word Kobo". "Sir, I no know book but as Koboko na for poor man back and Kobo Kobo na for im pocket, I think say the later was derived from the former.
While we spoke more half time toilet users came and went without batting an eye lid at the corpse which they all side stepped with all the skills of Maradonna. Talk about turning a blind eye. I began to see my fellow men in a new light for if they could pass a fresh corpse unperturbed then they must possess the wherewithal in their stony hearts to perpetrate this crime themselves.
At the drop of a hat they could stab, lynch, torch or even poison their fellow men without the burdens of conscience. I was sad. Left alone with the guard, we chatted for a while before exchanging addresses. (Ah ah, why you look me so eh ? Tomorrow now, when he leads his own coup and becomes supreme commander he may give me contract to supply electric cables to the whole country, if you can't beat them register straight away!)
As he saw me off to the door I decided to tease. Before we reached the door proper I stopped while he took a few steps out of the toilet. "Ha! I caught you out. You inspired air in the toilets and went out the doors with it". The guard dey craze o! He just lifted the gun to his chest and shot himself.
There goes my army connections I thought to myself. As he lay there dying I asked him why he did it. "Only obeying orders sir" he said. And the man died. Now if I call him the Z word them go wan burn my house and throw Mama Skido from the first floor window eh. I slipped my hands into the guard's pockets and extracted the blood stained paper bearing my address with I promptly flushed down the toilet. I washed my hands a second time.
The roar from the crowd told me the second half was imminent. Making my way back to my seat I passed the couple still arguing about the Falcons versus the Eagles. The woman was now abusing her mother in-law. "Leave my mother out of this o!" the man threatened. For where? The woman was just warming up.
"Your mother should be captain of the Falcons as she sabi to dey fly fly for night! Stupid most valuable witch of the year woman" Come see laugh. The man just remained silent as the supporters around the woman began to chant "You don win, you don win. Falcons sef don win" Serves him right for coming to the game with his wife. Ye-ye woman lappa man.
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