|
|
|
|
|
|
Prof. Wole Soyinka cut in. "Doyin, let me crave your indulgence. Unequivocally, I want to wholeheartedly assure you that I am not a party to this ignominious and vociferous uproar. Indeed, I am repulsed by the apoplectic behaviour exhibited here by people who ought to know better, and whom I am constrained to regard as simpletons. Our nascent democracy is in a state of decadent paralysis, that is what we are here to have a discourse about, and people are squabbling impishly about money matters. The obvious shenanigan happening here by grown up men is akin to a barbaric culture. It seems, conclusively, that the modus operandi in any serious political discourse is to resort to hostility and to sabotage any conventional method to resolve the thorny problems confronting this country. Undoubtedly, it is indicative of how this country has disintegrated into the abyss of........................". Alhaji Azeez Arisekola interrupted him abruptly. "Er... yin, em, Dakun, Doyin, Abi kilo pe oruko re, omo luwabi, sun ma yin. Ara e sa fara ke, ee se. Hen, wo mi daa daa, emi o gbo oyinbo pupo o. Sugbon, sofun Baba Sege pe mo oro lati ba so lehin oro. Kontras ati sopilayi ilapito konpita lemi ti e awa na". (Translation: Although, I'm not learned, please inform the President that I would like a private talk with him after the conference. Actually, I am really after a contract to supply laptop computers). Then Alhaji Adedibu turned to Alhaji Arisekola. "Wa ni yin, Alao, ee tiri. Emi ni profeso nwi gan? Ti nfo oyinbo bi pe koni tan lenu re mo. Ni gbo gbo nti wi pata po, oruko Akin ati "pati" ni kan loye mi gbe nibe" (Translation: Come here, Alao, What was the Professor saying? He was going on as if he wasn't going to stop. Of all the things he said, I was only able to understand the name Akin and the word party). Alhaji Arisekola replied back. "Alhaji hin, profeso nwi fun Doyin pe ko ma binu pe gbogbo wa pe de. Se e kuku mo pe alejo to foru rin, ope ko to wo moto ni. Atipe, profeso tun nwi fun pe ko so fun Akin, omodo Baba Sege, ko seto ounje ti ama je ni pati ti won fe se fun wa lehin oro" (Translation: The Professor was apologising to Doyin for our lateness. Since they will be having a party for us after the completion of talks, he urged him to instruct Akin, the President's chef, to cater to our needs). "Ose, Oku lakaiye. Gbo na, Alao, nibo lawa yi gan?" (Translation: Thank you for your insightful response. By the way, Alao, where are we?) "Asooro ni, Alhaji" (Translation: We are in Aso Rock, Alhaji). "Hen hen, Asooro. Mmmm... Asakaasa! Emi ni so ni oruko ba hun? Ewa na, ibi ko ni olori Amerika, Biliaminu Kinsin wa ni josi? (Translation: I see. What a name. Who named it Aso Rock? That aside, wasn't it this place President Bill Clinton of America visited the other day?) Not far away, Chief Nwobodo seized an opportunity to quickly go over to Dr. Doyin Okupe and said, " Dr Okupe, quick question. I know you are a very busy man. So I won't take too much of your time". "Are you part of this set up to sabotage the SNC, Chief Nwobodo?" Dr Okupe asked, cutting him short. "Tufia akwa. (God forbid). I just wanted to know if the President has any spare generators that he is giving away. If I sound desperate, please forgive me. You see, there's a booming market for it now that regular supply of electricity by NEPA is unlikely". By 3.49pm Doyin Okupe had decided he had heard enough. The deafening noise outside Aso Rock was simply too much for him to take. By now, he was sweating profusely as he made one last ditch effort to appease the delegates and persuade them to come inside the Villa. As he prepared to address the delegates before reporting back to President Olusegun "the messiah" Obasanjo, a heavy wind blew off his toupee fiam, much to his embarrassment and everyone's amusement. At that moment, an infectious laughter broke out in the gathering. In the aftermath of this shocking revelation, Dr Okupe frantically attempted to pick up his toupee and leave the scene hurriedly. But it was a feeble attempt. As he did so, the wind blew it further. He ran after his prized possession, and each time he got near the toupee, the wind carried it to a new distance. It was as if nature had conspired to humiliate him at this present moment. As the wind teased him mercilessly, so did the unrelenting surge of laughter that continued in the background. Finally, he caught up with the toupee, much to his relief. He neglected dusting the toupee as he angrily crushed it between his hands. He simply As he ran, he could hear a cross section of the gathering shouting, THE FRIDGE! THE FRIDGE!! Go fridge go, go fridge go!!!". "Una Bros, my belle o", one IPC delegate was laughing uncontrollably. "So the bobo don bald finish, hin come dey cover am all these days. See as him dey chase the hair like say hin wan catch chicken". "You no sabi nada" Another delegate was laughing his head off. "You no notice say hin get paper wey hin attach under dat hair?" "Maybe na the speech wey hin don prepare to read for the conference bi dat" Yet another delegate joined in the fun. In the midst of the unsettling scenes unfolding outside Aso Rock, members of the Egbesu boys went round to each delegate offering odds on the outcome of the SNC. "Una, Kedu kordi, (greetings) I bet you 50, 000 Nara (3-to-1) say dis SNC talk no go take place. Na correct odds I go give you o. You wan place bet?". The time was now 4.19pm. OPC countered by saying, "Ewa, ema gbe oshi debi o. Teba lo bebe scout, ama mu yin ni mu cowboy neat. Wasa lema pe. Ema seki ni, ema gan ni." (Translation: Don't come near us otherwise we'll start a fight). The Ijaw boys, daggers drawn, were also ready to start a slugfest to derail the start of the SNC. Meanwhile, the Isale Eko Oraisa vigilante group went to Pa Adesanya and said, "Baba Agbalagba, eventually ema pe funwa, ti yin o ni baje. Ha! Baba joo, eto ju wa, ki awa na toju JET ti e gbe wa". (Translation: "Baba you'll live long. Take care of us, in the form of a bribe, and we'll look after your private jet".) All of a sudden, Chief Ojukwu cried out in exasperation, "OKOKORIKOOO!!! My God! My lovely Rolex is gone. ..............What pains me so much is that this latest model only has 10 of its kind in the world. Good grief !" "Ikemba, that's a pity. Please chill out. My foreign cheque book disappeared when we arrived here as well. By the way, it just occurred to me, was Chuba sitting in between us in the plane?" Dr Ekwueme asked, with a look of concern on his face. Chief Gani Fawehinmi, clad in his usual business like manner smart dress, was going round distributing his corporate business card, and saying to any would be listener. " If you have suffered any miscarriage of justice as a result of prima facie evidence against you, which falls short of the requirements of the laws as enshrined in the constitution of the federal republic of Nigeria; which theoretically, negates your fundamental human rights, but does not impinge on your need to seek legal redress to refute, defend, absolve, and uphold your cherished name, which over the span of your entire life, you have astutely worked hard for, then I will be obligated and honoured to put your case before the jurisdiction of the law courts with a view to seeking recompense and restore your dignity. In a nutshell, and without further ado, here is my card". "Baba the Law, serebee!. Tell them like it is. No tata for yanyan", Hon. Senator Afikuyomi hailed Chief Fawehinmi. "Anyway, Chief, let's fashi that side. Don't worry, I'll happily distribute the rest of the cards for you for a small fee. I promise you I will deliver. You won't be disappointed". Just then, an Ndi'gbo member accosted Senator Afikuyomi and asked him, "Oga Senator, long time no see. How now, how bodi? You wan buy di boxing glove wey Joe Lasisi take bash Jeremiah Okorodudu? Even sef, I get the one wey Obisia Nwankpa take fight Saoul Mamby for world title. Or if to say na Hogan Jimoh yown you want -"one blow many die" - di one wey hin take fight Dele Jonathan, I kuku get am. If na Eddie Ndukwu one, I no run, I get am. If na Davidson Andeh one sef, nothing spoil. Even plus including the one wey Fighting Romanus take fight Hunter Clay, I get am. I also get Charles Nwokolo, Ngozika Ekwelum and Bash Alli yown. All na collector's item. I get am for different different sizes and dem all dey for sale. Oya make you chose ya pick, as I sure say you go need am when dis SNC talk begin. Make I add put, say na me supply two Senators for National Assembly for Lagos. Shikena (finish)" Arthur Nzeribe could be seen talking to the Odi Avengers, " Boys, I can see trouble brewing. I can feel it". A wry smile lit his face as he said this. "Make sure you have enough ammo. just is case. Er...em, if you don't see me around, I'll be on the next flight to Lagos". At that same moment, a Bakassi youth approached Prof. Chike Obi and said, "Oga Obi, Kedu, you wan buy correct original bullet proof vest. No bi Tokunko o. As e bi like say katakata wan burst any minute, this one na solid one. As pe you be our father, na 30G last. I go even gif you receipt sef". Prof. Obi considered his offer momentarily and replied, "Mmm. That's an interesting proposition. Let me see. Given that the bulletproof vest is 30,000, let us employ an implicit differentiation to calculate the variables and posit that Y represents the vest and X will almost certainly be the total cost. The formula then will be first to determine the present economic trend in relation to the cost of the vest and deduce that.............". "Chineke lee, oginni?", the Bakassi youth cried out loud, "Biko, bia zoputam na'aka onye oke amamu'ife. Ufuodioge oke'akwukwo a'diruom'ma na ubolumadu, obulu na ochor ka isi diyamma". (Translation: Please come and save me from this "too know". Sometimes too much knowledge is not good in one's brain, if he wants to remain sane). "Oga Obi, Na sake for say make I sell you vest na him you dey yarn me tori like this? Even sef, I don dey get small headache. Mba, biko, no calculate wetin cause am. Oya, make you pay just 1000 naira, make I clear" Dr Kuti was saying to Chief Falae, "Mmmmh! Olu, in moments like this, when an unrest is about to happen, we have to lead by example and be proactive in a bid to calm hostilities". Chief Falae replied nervously, "Doctor, I couldn't agree more, for better for stay, for worse for yorun (run away), otherwise, it's going to be a "bad day, devil drink water" scenario". By 4.35pm, everyone had become extremely tired and restless. Hunger was beginning to set in too. But that was superseded by anger. Anthony Enahoro, the respected elder statesman, went over to members of the Press to have a word with them. "Gentlemen and women, what do you make of all this? Do you think the SNC is going to hold today at all?". PRESS: "Of course, Sir, the SNC is going to take place today. In fact it has already started". Anthony Enahoro: "That's impossible. How do you know that?" the septuagenarian asked. PRESS: "Look around you sir. Do you see any of the Hausa/Fulani delegates around? They received a phone call on one of their cell phones from the Presidency saying he will compensate them heavily if they come in alone. I have to tell you sir, that discussions are taking place now even as we speak, and the khaki boys are standing guard blocking the entrance to Aso Rock". By now, the tension pervading the entire scene in front of Aso Rock was almost palpable. Then predictably, and without further warning, all hell broke loose. Lurking in the shadows and laughing maniacally, was Big Brother, in dark glasses. Note: My sincere apologies to any reader who finds this article disturbing or grossly insensitive. This satirical article was written without malice. It is not the writer's deliberate intention to offend, provoke or embrace certain unpopular beliefs or practices as expressed in the article.
Published with the permission of the author |
Guides
