I listened intently as the man spoke to the reporter on the N.T.A network news:
"So as di man jus touch my body, my body just make wien-wien. I come turn arand but I am not seeing him. So later now, when piss cash me, I go for wall to urinate. As I come pull down my trozziz, even as piss cash me so, my penis no dey. E don disappear! But I wan piss, but my body jus dey make wien-wien!"
He must be lying, I thought. There are no such things as penis thieves. It was all a rumor, and the likes of this attention-seeking simpleton where just perpetuating it, furthering its growth. When will my people learn? I looked at the time. I had to get to Dugbe to buy my Kung-fu slippers. Some people said they were made in Aba, and I don't doubt it, because everyone knows the saying that you can buy anything you want in Aba: From human eyes to helicopter spare parts. How about genitals. Maybe that's where the penis thieves go and sell their wares. Such nonsense! Well, must get going.
"kpayoke pad!"
"kpayoke pad!"
"Mokola! Dugbe! Mokola! Dugbe! Dugbe! Dugbe!"
"Shallenge, barracks, randabout, one shance!"
Whatever the hell were these conductors saying? Having lived in America for a while, it was going to take me some time to get used to this climate. Couldn't they just have bus schedules and go through appointed routes? "Mokola dugbe, mokola dugbe, mokola dugbe, dugbe, dugbe!" It was almost like a song. "Broda come now." I looked at the bus I was being invited to. There was no space in it, not even for a shrimp. "Surely you can't be serious." I protested. The conductor hissed. "Abeg broda oyinbo, if you no wan enta, commot jo!" He was so rude. There must be a complaints department. I'd have to lodge a complaint.
I spotted another danfo bus. It was just pulling in. Suddenly, a mob of people rushed past me into the bus. No line? These people were so undisciplined. I found myself being pushed into the danfo too. But there was no space to sit, so I had to stand. This was not cool. After waiting to squeeze in as many extra passengers as possible, we began to move. As the bus began to move I immediately felt my bare skin, at the back, touch a hand. Instinctively I reached for my pocket. I was aghast. My wallet and all my money were gone! I remained calm and decided to get off at the next stop, Sango market.
Lucky that I had held my fare money in my hand, I paid the conductor, collected my change, and got off. The market was abuzz with activity. Mostly meat-related activity. Some people where cutting it, some where buying it. Some where eating it (raw cartilage in some cases) and some where just meat--big wads of meat rolling around the sand, or so it looked, as they moved from one spot to another. They must be living the good life. I decided I could walk back to Agbowo from there. No point in anything else now.
I noticed a short, very short, man walking in my direction. When he got to me he started to say things which intrigued me. "God has a plan for your life." He told me. "But you must be careful. Beware of rats on Mondays. Never look at a fish's eye after twelve noon. Never eat grass without rubbing your stomach with oil! God has a plan for your life." As he spoke I was temporarily distracted, and so when someone pushed me from behind I could not turn around quickly enough to see who it was. I just know that as I turned around I felt a strange sensation. I don't know how to describe it. I guess my body made a... well... made a er... "wien-wien" motion. I turned back to the prophet of God but he had disappeared. I felt light-headed and giddy.
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