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Male Paranoia

As told to JMK
April 29, 2001

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My friend has got me looking at every woman that passes by.

You see she's got this great theory that she so casually explained to me.

Apparently she believes that most women have a in-built sex scanner, that at a distance of let's say a hundred yards they can detect whether the man approaching is one who has had or can give great sex. She claims she knows by just looking at his face and the way he carries himself.

Now, she also says that those handful of men, wherever they are, who have had great sex, can also identify those handful of women who themselves have also enjoyed great sex.


O.K. A guy who has also had great sex will spot a woman who has also had great sex and they will proceed to give each other the look and secretly know that they know something no-one else knows.

Now here is where the problems comes in. My relationship with my friend is platonic, and yet when I asked her if I look like the type who has had great sex she said no.

Now to not bruise my ego too much. She kindly let me know that on a scale of 1-4, (Pay attention now) by her just looking at me, she gave a three.

Okay, fine, I think I've had great sex but from her point of view she thinks I've yet to taste from that particular fountain of dripping orgasms. She claims that someone who has had great sex has certain characteristics.

They are laid back individuals who when coming into contact with a member of the opposite sex, eye them from head to toe and began to analyze with a scrutinizing eye. When they do progress to actually have sex they play a tantalizing game of bringing each other to the point of climax and stopping before the dam breaks.

According to her this is like a ballon that you slowly inflate with air and let attain it's shape until the pressure is so strong yet sweet that there is no choice but explosion. That's fine, but she claims that it could take as long as three days before eruption. Damn!

Now here is the real problem. this conversation was held two weeks ago. And ever since then I haven't been the same person.

I honestly believe that there is a conspiracy happening around me and no-one wants to let me in on it. Everywhere I go I stare at faces and wonder whether they've had great sex, according to her rules.

I quite honestly believe that a lot of these people I've been staring at think I'm a lunatic.

Can you imagine standing in the middle of a huge shopping mall, staring at people and saying out loud...Nope, Ah...Ah maybe. It got so bad I even asked my girlfriend if we were having great sex. (At least her answer gave me back my confidence.)

Now maybe there are actually people who experience sex on a different plane than the rest of us. I mean when I see a woman I can usually, decide whether she would be a great roll in the hay. But which of the approaching females is the most compatible with your tastes and desires.

Just think, standing in a night club and your scanner starts beeping and you know she's the one. Truthfully, it takes the fun out if everything, mystery is half the game, and she can take her theory and stuff it because I either have it now or (according to her) I'm not far from it.


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