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Chapter 2
A man broke through the doors of the death chamber running. He had the look of evil on his face. The pot-belied prison officers in pursuit seemed to be moving towards their target in slow motion. Bibi J saw him too late. The crazy man clashed heads with Bibi J producing a sickening sound. Next they wrestled and rolled on the floor. The crowd who thought it was all arranged began chanting "Bibi, Bibi, Bibi, and Bibi…." The grunts and groans interspersed with shearing fabric was music to Killiwee's ears. He slapped his thigh in delight. 'Stop the broadcast. Ban the death penalty. Stop their madness!' screamed the intruder as he thumped the now helpless Bibi J on the chest. Re-enforcement soon arrived. More prison officers appeared on the scene. They joined in the wrestling match and soon wrenched the intruder off Bibi J, with many of them losing their caps in the process. Bibi J promptly rose to his feet completely disorientated. He licked off the tiny rivulent of bright red blood flowing from his upper lip and grabbed the microphone. 'Are we still live?' he asked. His producer nodded. 'This is still Ben Benito Junior live and direct from this historic electrocution. Sorry for that interruption. I can assure you it wasn't stage-managed'. Killiwee took over 'You Mr. Protester, who made you our saviour?' he said pointing a turkey bone at the crazed intruder who was now being restrained by all seven prison officers slapping and kicking him randomly. 'Life imprisonment yes! Death penalty No!' he shouted. Killiwee looked to his left at Oga Landlord and asked 'Is this fool a relative of yours?' 'I have never set eyes on he in my life' replied Oga Landlord. 'You nko?' said Killiwee to Mile Two who lifted his face slowly and squinted in the intruder's direction. 'I don't know this man'. Bibi J passed the microphone to Killiwee and slipped off for treatment to his facial wounds. 'So why are you fighting for us now?' asked Killiwee of the intruder. The intruder screamed 'This is madness. Why are we destroying precious life like this! Lynching is evil! Death penalty is evil! Abortion is evil!' 'Sharrup ya dirty mouth!' screamed Killiwee. 'See the dirty mouth you dey take talk. So you mean say you get sense pass all the people wey dey watch us for television eh? Your Papa life imprisonment. Don't you know life imprisonment in this country is the same as death penalty, only it takes a bit longer to die. Inside this prison Tuberculosis and Aids dey nyanfu, nyanfu. Even sef we dey rape when we dey bored'. 'So you get women inside?' asked the intruder. 'I say sharrap your mouth. You send your sister come find us inside here wey we go get woman. Nonsense!' shouted Killiwee. 'Disgusting. I don't know what to say' said the intruder. Well my advice to you is to protest against poor conditions in this prison and let me be. I wan die quick, quick. Your head like life imprisonment. Do you know what the official food budget per inmate is?' 'No, I don't know' said the intruder. 'No, I don't know' said Killiwee mimicking the voice of the intruder. 'One hundred and Fifty Naira. But I tell you, they budget for Five hundred inmates yet we are eight hundred. On top of that Prison officers go chop dia own inside the money!' said Killiwee. A murmur swept through the crowd. The prison officers hurriedly pushed the intruder out. Bibi J rushed over to grab his microphone from Killiwee. The prison Governor General was beside himself with rage. He signalled with his fingers he wanted the execution to be got on with quickly. Bibi J was now in front of the camera. He had on his producer's jacket, which was two sizes too small. Coupled with his swollen upper lip he looked like a student who had just lost a fight. 'We are now ready to enter the solemn part of this historic occasion. I sincerely hope there will be no more hitches. I now call on Pastor Jimoh to administer the last prayers'. 'Let us pray' said Pastor Jimoh the former full time Super Eagles supporter turned Reverend. All heads were bowed. All except the mosquitoes. One landed gently on Killiwee's neck and struck. Killiwee slapped his neck so hard everyone jumped. 'Sorry' he said sheepishly on discovering all eyes on him. Pastor Jimoh resumed the prayers. After the loud 'Amen' it was time to go one on one starting with Oga Landlord. K-TV took a break for advertisement while many in the audience took the opportunity to visit the toilets. 'Welcome back, this is Ben Benito Junior reporting for K-TV' began Bibi J as soon as transmission was resumed. Bibi J stopped the Reverend who was now making his way to Killiwee. 'How did it go?' asked Bibi J. 'I am not at liberty to say. That is between Oga Landlord and his God' said Pastor Jimoh. 'Tell them. I have nothing to hide' said Oga Landlord. 'Fine then. Well Oga Landlord claimed his innocence. I reminded him of the fact that we have a saviour who went to the cross even though he had committed no crime. He seemed to derive great comfort from that' said Pastor Jimoh somewhat nervously, as he was not used to TV cameras and bright lights. 'With all due respect sir, how do you know that he is innocent?' asked Bibi J. 'Em… well…em… I can only go by what he told me' replied the Pastor Jimoh. Killiwee was not keen on prayers. He looked away and chewed at his turkey bone completely ignoring the Reverend. 'Pastor, no waste ya saliva on that one. E guilty well, well' screamed Mama Bom Boy. 'That's true. I guilty. So lef me alone.' The Pastor tried to get through to Killiwee but failed. 'Christ died for us all. Guilty and not guilty. In fact there were three on the cross that day. And he promised one of the criminals he would be with him in paradise' said Pastor Jimoh. 'Only one eh? Well Oga Landlord has taken the only seat, so there's no hope for me and Mile Two, abi attachment dey?' joked Killiwee. He slapped his thigh and laughed noisily. Mama Bom Boy stood to speak. 'Excuse me Pastor, did they not carry their crosses on the streets in Bible times eh? Why you no advise make these Barawos' carry their electric chairs through the streets of Lagos make we for take koboko waya dem back. By now Killiwee tongue for don retire'. Mama Bom Boy received a round of applause. Pastor Jimoh moved over to Mile Two. King Bibi J resumed dialogue with his 'subjects' at home basking under the limelight. 'Many rang in for tickets for this execution but unfortunately we had only a hundred and twenty to give and I would like to thank you all for your interest Now if you would like to be among the live audience at the next execution to be staged in a fortnight ring the number now appearing at the bottom of your screens. The prison Governor General has asked me to reiterate that this is no freak show but rather a demonstration of Government's determination to put back law and order into our lives. We would be right back after a few messages from our sponsors'. An air of expectancy descended. Engineers worked frantically. Bibi J and crew vacated the death chamber, as did Pastor Jimoh. The 'three chairmen' were being strapped down in their respective seats of death and a black sack was being put over Mile Two and Oga Landlord's heads. Killiwee refused to have his face covered, as he wanted to see the Angel of Death eyeball to eyeball. To while away time, Bibi J began to interview members of the audience. 'And why did you come sir?' he asked a bald man who sat on the front row. 'I brought my son. He is only nine but has started stealing meat from his mother's pot. I believe watching this execution will shock stealing out of his system' said the man, looking down at his son. The little boy was embarrassed. He knew his friends would be watching. 'Isn't it easier just to teach him not to steal?' asked Bibi J. 'No, this is much better' said the man. Bibi J moved on, scanning the audience. 'So who else thinks this execution is a deterrence to crime?' Mama Bom Boy stood up and practically snatched the microphone off Bibi J. 'I love this electric chair business but I think public lynching would be cheaper'. The audience clapped. Mama Bom Boy was fast becoming a TV star. 'But lynching is barbaric and more so, TV coverage would be completely impossible' said Bibi J. Another gentleman raised his hand at the back. 'That Mile Two has killed so many. I'm here to see him die'. 'Anyone you know?' asked Bibi J. 'Oh yes, two of my friends'. The gentleman stopped abruptly following a signal from the producer. It was time. Bibi J felt a strong urge to scream -'and now, for what you've all been waiting for!' but controlled himself. An ill mood descended on the place. Sir Skido who had remained anonymous in his seat throughout broke into a cold sweat. Surely the Angel of Death is now hovering above us all he thought. He looked up and saw nothing. His mind drifted to when he was a lad often and had followed his father to wave goodbye to Uncle Joe who was bound for 'Greener Pastures' abroad. He couldn't understand how the same adults who had partied till late into the night during the 'send-off' were reduced to tears as Uncle Joe boarded the plane. Even Uncle Sam, a sworn enemy of Uncle Joe shed a few tears. Those were the days thought Sir Skido. He remembered vividly what his father had told him when he asked what the crying was about. 'I cried because I feared I may never see him again' Sir Skido's father had explained on the way home. Sir Skido looked around. All the faces in the place looked grim. The official executioner walked into the death chamber with quick strides. The audience let out a gasp of horror. His face was partially covered with a rag that could best be described as a rather shabby version of the Mask of Zorro. It served its function though. The executioner's identity was concealed. 'Say your last words' he said out loud. He didn't address anyone in particular and there was silence for a few seconds. Oga Landlord being the oldest assumed he should start the ball rolling began talking through his black headpiece. His voice sounded muffed and distanced like the sound of a radio playing from the bottom of a well. 'I am innocent but not withstanding I have lived a good life. I have educated all my children to University level and my widow will not want for anything. O Lord! In to your hands I commit my spirit!' Next Mile Two cried out 'Lord forgive me. Viewers at home forgive me. Anybody wey wan become Jaguda look and learn o! God na ya hand I dey o!' And eyes now centred on Killiwee. 'I am innocent wa lai!' he screamed. People looked at each other in puzzlement. 'Only joking. Ha'. Mama Bom Boy brought out a placard she had kept under her seat. THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH was written in bright red. 'I hear Mama Bomboy. Now, my last words. I Killiwee have just one thing to say. Fellow Nigerians, may I seize this historic moment to canvass for a new state to be created in this country. I have called this state Switzer-state. It would be a haven for all crooks through this great land. Why export our looted funds abroad when we can hide them in Switzer-state. I propose a land where all men will be free of police or Army harassment. Where the banks would be immune from government or police investigations. A land to be mapped out of the existing Abuja FCT, where all thieves and have automatic immunity from prosecution. For example, if a lynch mob is screaming "Ole! Ole!" in hot pursuit of a thieve, as soon as he runs into Switzer-state's soil, he is free. I also propose we exploit our image with a huge theme park to be located within Switzer-state. I am sure the tourists will all rush in to watch us perform 'live' 419, Gbomogbo, kickbacks, open bribing of policemen at road junction and of course setting fire to sky scrappers for the fun of it. Long live the movement for the creation of Switzer-state!' Killiweee finished with a flourish and now stared into space like he was in some kind of trance. 'Are you finished?' asked the executioner. None of the 'three chairmen' spoke. The executioner walked over slowly to the engineer and talked for a while before making his way to the lever. He made a quick sign of the cross and pulled the lever down. The current rushed into the 'chairmen' with violence. Everyone screamed.
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