And so it was, folks from everywhere you can imagine coming for this one event.
CBS had outbid FOX for the right to televise the event live but despite the fact that it was the biggest event ever to take place, there would be a viewing audience of at most ten. One of those ten was me. One was Jose, and the other eight where party men and women who did not even bother to watch TV.
At 11.00pm the show started with Harry Connick Jr. Jr. singing "It had to be me." Then came the brief speeches about how everyone so loved the Lord. At 11.50pm, amidst great applause, Dick Clarke introduced the Reverend Imp who proceeded to give a fiery speech about those critics who claimed that Christianity had been commercialized.
He was making obvious references to me but luckily for him I was not there to poke him in the eyes. At five minutes to the hour they all bowed their heads in severe yet solemn prayer as the last few to repent did so with equal fervor.
At this same time I was dancing and shouting: "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! THIS IS A TEST. THIS IS JUST A TEST! THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. HAD THERE BEEN AN EMERGENCY, A BRIEF MESSAGE WOULD HAVE OCCURRED AFTER THE BEEEP] who said that she felt it was "groovy."
She also thought it was lugubrious" that the government hadn't found a way to expend the deficit. I found that funny, though I can't say I shared her sentiments.
At 12.00pm there was a great silence such as was never felt in the world before. Apart from us ten delinquent gentiles, all eyes where transfixed above at the sky in joyful expectation of the arrival of Jesus who was also known as the Christ. The clock struck one. Silence.
Two.
Silence.
Three.
Silence.
Four.
Silence.
By the time the clock had struck ten, approximately 17 million people had died of heart attacks.
Eleven.
Silence.
Twelve.
Silence.
Twelve!
Silence!
Twelve dammit!!
Nothing!!!!!
Nobody said anything for a while and then there was an uproar as had never been seen since the tower of Babel--All the people of the world, minus ten, all speaking and arguing in different languages. It took an hour for Reverend Imp to calm the multitude down and explain to them that according to the Hebrew Calendar, it was not New Year until 7am in the morning, and that Jesus was probably going according to the Hebrew Calendar.
This calmed the people down, but now there were rumblings that people where starving with no food to eat before seven in the morning. Reverend Imp called one of his disciples--a multinational corporation named The Rock--and asked him to find out among the crowd who had anything to eat.
They where able to find a young black man with five loaves and two fish, and they paid him 30 pieces of silver for his food. They then took the food up to Reverend Imp who proceeded to selflessly devour it. With a great burp he turned on his side and went to sleep for the next seven hours.
Hungrily and grudgingly, the whole multitude went to sleep as well.
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