I always thought it funny how people tried to predict the coming of the lord in terms of when, where and how.
I guess in retrospect, only those of us now who were there can actually read the Bible and know what many of the prophets meant when they talked about "lo I see a fire in the sky that flameth bright" or whatever they were supposed to have said about different things. But Jesus pulled a fast one on everybody--yes indeed. I laugh just thinking about it.
Helena had told me not to go partying because Jesus was coming at 12 midnight. I couldn't be bothered, being the wayward gentile I am, so of course I went on to party. Funny enough, only a few of us where out that night because even those who didn't believe in Christ where not taking any chances and had repented by 11.30pm pending Jesus’ arrival with a host of angels from heaven and a trumpet call.
I can't remember what happened most of that night because I got drunk and fell asleep. I can remember waking up and upon seeing the variety of womenfolk still left on the earth in my immediate vicinity, thinking of how much better the seven years of tribulation where going to be because of my companions. I was in such high spirits that I ran home just so that I could blast the stereo to the loudest and thrash the house--MY house.
The streets where empty because everyone had gone to the mountain. Reverend Imp had predicted that the first people to be taken up in the glorious rapture of Christ would be those who were closest to Heaven, and this meant seven billion people climbing and stationing themselves as high as possible on the mountain Wukasoomahita (woo-kah-sooh-mah-hee-tah).
Wukasoomahita is a mountain on native Indian land which translates to "They who wait shall wait not waiting." The impact of the name was not immediately apparent to me, as I'm sure it is not to you. And to tell the truth I have never quite grasped the concept of the name, as I'm sure you never will. Anyway, the first and only person I met on the way home was the homeless man, Jose Lamatigno (Ho-say Lag-mar-teen-io).
Jose was walking around and I asked if he didn't want to go to Heaven with the rest of the people, whereupon he replied: "Heaven? I heard the Reverend say that there's no more begging heaven. How am I then supposed to get my twenty five cents for a cup of coffee?" I then gave unto him the sum of five and twenty cents after which he went along to buy his coffee. I guess he did not even have to pay because the coffee shop was left all abandoned as even coffee sellers--those capitalist pigs--wanted to get to Heaven.
And it came to pass, that I entered unto my household with much rejoicing in my heart. Things looked better as I thought about it. It seemed like perhaps only Jose, I and a few of my party friends would be around in the world to suffer the great tribulation. And then there was supposed to be this great whore from Babylon showing up?
My, what a time this was going to be. Upon entering my house I immediately rushed to the stereo set and turned it up full notch. I normally have a passionate dislike for metal music and this was the ONLY (own-lee) time I've ever had any use for it. I was rocking, banging, shouting, laughing, and generally tearing the house down--MY house! What went down at the mountain, you wonder?
Reverend Imp and his herd of followers had arrived at the mountain earlier and before long had set up shop. The whole mountain from top to bottom was a hellhouse of activity with everyone who was everyone arriving in style. There was a whole host of personalities from all over the world coming in to meet Jesus.
King Charles and the royal family arrived via helicopter whereupon one of Charles' mistresses unfortunately was relieved of her head by the helicopter blades. The moment was immediately brightened with Sinbad cracking one of his what-happens-when-a-mistress-loses-her- head-jokes.
The African contingent arrived late because they had problems securing visas for all the members. Apparently, the government had a policy which allowed only a certain amount of Africans to enter the country. They eventually had all 1 billion enter because the visa policy had just been modified by the last-day clause; a clause which allows unlimited entry 24 hours before the final day.
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